Staying Grateful

Fifty years ago I was diagnosed with epilepsy. Forty years ago, I finally accepted that I had epilepsy. It was that acceptance that has allowed me to have long spells of seizure free time. It has not come without cost. It doesn’t look like it has cost much, even to me on most days.

At the beginning, it cost me a lot of guilt feelings, a lot of feeling left out and different, a lot of shame and embarrassment. I suspect it cost my family a lot of those things and more that I don’t know about. And I can’t forget the fear and panic that must have set in when a grand-mal seizure violently erupted in the middle of our lives.

Today, as I lay quietly on a soft mattress with electrodes all over my head, I reflected on the confidence I now feel each day. I was at a clinic getting an ElectroEncephalogram (EEG) to determine the status of my epilepsy. After the technician asked me my history, she and I talked about some of the changes in EEG technology. When I had my first EEG, it was little pointy electrodes stuck into my scalp connected by wires to a machine that printed out spiky readings to show electrical brain activity. Although the principles are the same today, reading brain activity, the electrodes are different. No longer little pointy things that dig into my scalp, but nice flat polka-dots on my head. The problem? On my clean, soft hair, gooey electrode gel is rubbed into my scalp before the electrode is applied, to ensure a solid connection. All the electrodes have wires leading to a computer where the same spiky readings show on the screen. After lots of relaxing, deep breathing for three minutes, strobe lights for a few minutes and a good rest, the electrodes were taken off. The technician cleaned all the gel from my hair leaving me with a wet head and absolutely no hair style!  Good thing I had a hat with me.

There have been many days when I could cheerfully throw some form of computer out a window. Not today. Today, I am grateful for all the technology that has allowed diagnosis of all conditions to continue so that we can all live life as normally as possible. I am grateful for those people who operate all of the technology. I could go on and on, but I do know I am just plain grateful to be alive and enjoying my life.

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember 

that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”

~ Epicurus