Pages

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Homeward bound....~ 1


...after eleven years adventuring in another land,
establishing a new direction in my nursing career,
advancing my education in Addictions care,
learning in my forties the lessons I missed in my twenties.

As much as I loved this
new little corner of the world,
I was ready to go home.

I carefully planned this return move and, for a year,
updated my resume,
did job searches,
housing searches
moving costs
time lines
all while conscious of epilepsy 
and the emotional and physical upheaval
after my move eleven years earlier.

Once more, I packed my pills
got out my maps and
and set my course for a new part of Canada
to another new city 
this time half way between my sons on the west coast
and the rest of my family in two prairie provinces
My rest stops were planned,
driving day ending at supper time, 
then a good night's sleep

With bittersweet sadness, 
I let go of my adopted community 
and the very close friendships that still last
(the electronic age is a wonderful age to be in!) 

In my new city
I established a new community 
a new physician
new friends with
family there within months:
a sister infrequently seen in the intervening years,
a niece and her family relocated shortly thereafter.
I knew things would be ok.

*****
Epilepsy does not respect what I think 
when there are any changes not accounted for.
Four grand mal seizures in two months 
ushered in the new millenium - 
after eleven years of being free of grand mal seizures!

I did not understand....I had been so careful.
What had I missed?
Once more fear, and panic, threatened to overwhelm me.
Reviewing my move after the first of the four seizures:
Regular sleep - check
Minimize stress- check
Eat regularly - check
Medication - check

Oops....my pills, the new regime I had been on for a year
except for.........      two differences:
One - a treatment I received monthly:
Frantic, I searched in vain for a physician to provide the same treatment.
Two - the effects of alcohol
A potential to lower the brain's seizure threshold.  I had not been around much alcohol while away.
With family a very small drink now and then....that shouldn't hurt...however for me it did.
Lessons learned!

Employment at the hospital soon shifted to another more rewarding position.
Excited and challenged my new addictions nursing education was in demand,
along with more regular hours and a few different, and unknown, stresses.
My return home settled into work and travel.  

For the lessons learned, a new file folder was born:
Epilepsy Relocation Folder
1. know the availability of 
    specific medications
    physicians 
    pharmacies.
2. avoid drinking alcohol.

Man cannot remake himself without suffering. 
For he is both the marble and the sculptor.”
 ~ Alexis Carrell

Friday, March 16, 2012

Putting Teeth to My Plans

It hasn't been pretty.

Gums swollen and bleeding - phenytoin's side effect.
Teeth broken and chipped ~ well intentioned actions to keep me from 'swallowing my tongue'. 
Jaw bone receding because of periodontal disease, teeth loose and tender.
Tongue cut and bleeding more times than I care to remember - fortunately healing on it's own after each seizure.

Most of it fixable.  
Setting to work from the 1970’s onwards, I've called upon ~
Periodontists to repair gums
Dental hygienists to keep teeth free and clear
Dentists to 
extract, 
fill, 
cap, 
build a bridge on top
implant teeth on the bottom

Grateful to my parents for yearly visits to the dentist,
sitting still in a dentist chair was old hat for me!

Brushing my teeth after meals begins my prevention plan.
A small kit of tools in my home arsenal for oral care includes:
toothbrush,
sulcrabrush
rubber tip tool
dental floss (one I've long resisted!)
water pick
tiny spiral brush for between my teeth

Caring for my teeth and gums so that I can
chew food to eat effectively
smile easily ~ 
Oral care is really a full time job.

“To  be able to invite pain to join in my experience and not 
have to control my life to avoid pain is such a freedom!"
 ~ Christina Baldwin

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Restructuring and rebuilding.....

...required some thought.
Vulnerable and frightened, everything crashing around me, I didn't know where to start except to forgive myself and move forward.

Brutally reminded of epilepsy, as much a part of me as my skin, my hair, or any other part of me, it was time to re-evaluate and rebuild.

Lost hours at work because of it,
a commitment to myself broken, uncontrolled epilepsy had affected whether I worked or not, threatened my independence.

I was fifteen hundred miles from home!

Seizures have always left me emotionally vulnerable. Self pity rolled over and through me, threatening to drown my adventure before it had barely begun. Stubbornly, I gathered my wits ~ what was left of them ~ and slowly, awkwardly rebuilt my shelter.

Desperately missing my sons and my friends, I was incredibly tempted to turn tail and run back home. Choosing instead, rather blindly, to step forward into this new life, repairing the damage was my goal.

New friends cared about me. Career goals moved forward.
Work with amazing colleagues, many still fast friends til today, continued. Education expanded with a University Minor in my chosen field of nursing. Volunteer work with a community program working with horses and children rounded out my life.

A new doctor showed me new ~ and some old ~ methods of epilepsy care. His encouragement was
    a good diet, 
    regular exercise,
    massage 
    necessary medication ~ taken regularly,
to this day his direction continues unchallenged.

And to this day....
    Regular medication, sleep and calmness are practiced as automatically as getting dressed in the morning.

The shelter was almost complete but more was to come......

"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; 
that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them"
 ~ Henry David Thoreau

Author's note: Edited January 28, 2024

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Life changes, epilepsy does not

The first ten years with epilepsy, rocky and uncertain, taught me that I really wasn't geared up for scrabbling through such a rocky terrain and really didn't want much rocky terrain to travel anyway.

The next ten years, while rocky in many other ways, not crowded and crunched by grand Mal seizures, allowed me to awaken hidden dreams for travel with my career.

Opportunity arose - Carpe diem!
My young adult sons began choosing their own paths. So, sadly, but with excitement, I separated from
    family
    roots and
    community
to take a giant leap to another country for career advancement.

Comfortable with managing my epilepsy, I had carefully packed a 3 month supply of pills, found a physician as soon as I settled, and started a wonderful and rewarding adventure. Thirty-nine years old and taking flight like a much younger adult!! What fun! The first time I had lived completely alone! Exciting goals and challenges to achieve.

******

I woke up.
Nubbly carpet met my palms - where am I?
That's odd....I felt like I had a good sleep.
Puzzled I turned my head, 
mmmm.. my tongue is sore.
I have my uniform on!
I'm late for work.....

Leaping to my feet, I drove to work.
My new boss had someone drive me home.
I have no memory of 
~ that drive home,
   ~ who drove me home,
      ~ how long I slept,
        ~ what day I returned to work.

What had I done wrong?!
Who do I turn to?
The sun so bright and the sky so beautifully blue............

Brand new friends, people I barely knew, helped me to sort it all out while I learned more about living with epilepsy.

Taking new directions in life is a good thing.
Letting go too fast of my anchors in 
friends, family, community 
created unneeded stress ~ fear ~ nervousness ~ high elation
setting me up for crisis that I may not be able to manage.

Epilepsy does not respond well to lack of planning.

So I planted my garden in the sun. 
My life grew strong.

"The horror of that moment," the King
went on, "I shall never forget"
“You, will though," the Queen said, "if
 you don't make a memorandum of it.”
Lewis Carroll

Author's note: Edited January 28, 2024

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Hope and Wisdom...

....sit brightly on my desk, 
glittering beads and shells
spilling around them,
reminding me daily that
when I choose,
they are always mine.

Epilepsy is always with me.
I carry it gently in my brain.

Epilepsy holds not promises of 
riches, fame or good fortune.

Epilepsy's promises to me are of loud gasping for air, broken teeth, and confusion.

Active epilepsy has no hope.
Active epilepsy has no wisdom.

But ~ epilepsy's value is in lessons learned
from churning turmoil 
thrown mercilessly through and around me.

Hope is mine for the taking.
Hope that today will be another seizure free day.

Wisdom is mine to learn.
Wisdom will show me how 
to make and keep promises to myself and others

I may never be rich or famous but 
wisdom and hope show me much good fortune.

My promise to myself each day is that
I will be kind to myself and those around me.
To the best of my ability,
I will not allow epilepsy to visit 
violence, injury or confusion upon me or thee.

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."
~ Theodore Roosevelt   

Author's note: Edited January 28, 2024