A Sunset Mind

lit only by the setting sun

clouded and sleepy imagination

is put to bed for another day.

“Our imagination flies - - we are its shadow on the earth.”

~ Vladimir Nabokov

Only a Few

'Only a Few' from 1988 til today and onward

The barrel and nib of the pen,

various colours of the ink

Well lined pages

on ecru coloured paper

for the mundane and fanciful, 

full of energy or exhaustion

good cheer or great sadness,

birthdays, anniversaries and memories

Books never seen at a book club

but at my own desk or in coffee shops, 

on a bench in the park, 

at a table in a  library

Journals gifted from family and friends

plain brown journals full of cursive loops,

to calm or energize a busy, fanciful mind

faithful listeners to my ramblings.

“Journal writing is a voyage to the interior.”

~ Christina Baldwin

 

impotence

The sodden feeling

Twisted and turned 

In my gut

Waiting ~

For the Big Terror

Running amok in my mind

Shrieking that crumbling was my fate.

Nothing.

Only calm.

No monsters in corners ~

only the left over froth

of impotent worries.

“What can you do when everyone around you is strong and clever?”

~ Tarjei Vesaas, The Birds

 

Chapter Two, Episode Eighty-One - Put Away - Situationally Theirs

Put Away

The three men sat around Samuel’s kitchen table. “I couldn’t come home, James. Then the years passed.” Thom stood and walked to the front window, staring out at the rain. “You know I forgot how rainy the early springs can be. Sometimes I miss the cloud, but the mountains let me breathe. When I look up into pines cascading down the mountains, I just feel….well, I feel, at home it that makes sense. This is my home.” Thom just kept watching the rain.

“Why, Thom? Why couldn’t you come home?”

Samuel just kept quiet. He knew the brothers needed his silence. He had guessed there was something that was not being said. It had been almost a week since Thom and Sonja had arrived. The three of them had examined every corner of the estate, places that they thought their parents didn’t know about ~ hiding places for cigarettes or beer. Every now and then, Thom would grow silent and just as suddenly, he’d smile and pull up an old story. He would never talk about the first years after he left. Tonight was different. Samuel’s pipe had grown cold, but he didn’t want to move.

“I was in prison, James.”

Silence thickened. “I’ll be going outside. My pipe’s gone out and I’ll keep the smoke out there. May go up to the kitchen to see if Elizabeth has those scones ready to eat yet.” Samuel picked up his slicker, put his pipe in an inside pocket and left the two men alone.

~~~~~

“What are you doing here, Samuel? Where’s Thom and James? The wives have gone off over to Digby’s cottage. Sonja wanted a walk and Martha wanted to show off her back yard.” Elizabeth had just removed the scones from the oven and was setting them gently on a plate to cool. “I need to leave the two of them alone for a bit. Thom dropped a bomb shell on James. Something about prison. I maybe shouldn’t have said anything.” He put his still unlit pipe in his shirt pocket.  “Now, let’s you and I sit and visit for a bit.” The two friends had the quiet of the Beaufort Estate kitchen to themselves. They talked quietly over the last week’s goings on. Samuel with the brothers, and Elizabeth with their wives. It wasn’t planned, but there always seemed this separation except at supper time when the six of them sat around the kitchen table for their meal.

~~~~~

“I was more ashamed than anything, James. It was really nothing….no, that’s not right. It was. My first night in Vancouver, I found the cheapest hotel I could. They had a restaurant - more like a diner - that seemed a local hangout. I met some fellows who seemed quite all right. I’m sure dad would have picked them out in two seconds. The diner was all fifties, with red vinyl stools along a counter. Great music on a juke box! Presley, Paul Anka………”

“Thom, you’re dodging just like you’ve always done. What about these ‘all right fellows’?” James remembered their teenage years when he managed to get into trouble for something Thom had done.

“Now you’re sounding just like dad. And I don’t like it anymore now than I did then. Maybe Sonja and I need to leave. It was a mistake to stay this long.” Thom was feeling trapped and wanted just to get his wife and leave. With that thought, he also knew he finally had a chance to talk to his big brother about that part of his life.

“Ok, James. The short story? I got mixed up with them. They needed someone to drive their getaway car.” Thom finally smiled and laughed. “That sounds pretty melodramatic, doesn’t it?” James did smile, but only briefly. “Ok, I’ll try again. They did see themselves a real pair of desperados, but they only held up convenience stores at night. I knew they had guns, but I was just this raw Island kid and new to this scraping of the underworld. Thought they just carried them for show. You know, to scare people. Didn’t think they’d ever use them.”

Silence. “I’m going to make more coffee, James. This is tougher than I thought it would be. Do you think Samuel will mind?”

“No he won’t. He won’t even know it’s missing. Thom, you could have written me. I could have helped you out, dad wouldn’t have had to know about it. I could have………..”

“No, you couldn’t have. Not for a murder charge.” Silence again. Deafening silence. It was as though the very air was vibrating. Only a whisper “Murder?” James felt frozen inside and out. He pushed his chair back, sat still, took a deep breath and stood. “I didn’t murder anyone, James. One of the other guys did, but the convenience store man pulled a gun from below the till and shot one of them. Elwood….Elmer…something like that….came racing to the car got in and told me to take off. But before I could, the police were there and arrested the two of us. Because I had handled the gun, out of curiosity, my fingerprints were on it. I was charged with murder, but I swear, James, I didn’t do it. I just sat in the car.”

“Does Sonja know about this?” James looked up at his brother. He believed him. “Yes, I told her shortly after we started dating. She just put her hand on mine and said ‘That’s done, Thom.’ We’ve never talked about it since.”

“How did you pay for a lawyer? I could at least have helped with that.” James was trying to remember all those years ago. Why he didn’t know his brother was in trouble?

“Court appointed lawyer. A kid not much older than me, just out of law school. Never had tried any cases, let alone a murder case. The prosecutor said it was open and shut. Not one witness. I got out after ten years on good behaviour. Elwood, or whatever his name is, is still in there as far as I know. I never want to hear or see him again. That was a bad bad part of my life.” The two men sat with their coffee at the table, all Thom’s past years rolled up and put away.

“My yesterday’s are all boxed and neatly put away.”

~ Sheryl Crow

 

Cold Therapy

How does one stay calm

~ In April ~

With a wind at 50 kph?!

When later it snows?!

walk to your appointment 

three blocks away

into warmth with others 

sharing the goal of mobility 

go for coffee and lunch at a neighbourhood coffee shop

listen, notice others visiting ~

laughing despite the weather!

Go home

Turn the fireplace on

Get under a warm blanket ~

Don’t look out the window. 

“If you look the right way, you can see that the whole world is a garden.”

~ Frances Hodgson Burnett

Deep Calm

In forest deep, the quiet twitters and chirps,

A leaf falls silently, drifting through a sunbeam

A twig snaps under the quick step of a squirrel.

“The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.”

~ John Muir

An Easter Poem

We bow our heads

‘midst growth and health

grateful for our lives

blessed with young lives,

& new lives to come ~

grateful for our families

to share the joy of life 

in daytime brilliance or cloud,

or under a jewelled night sky.

“Reflect upon your present blessing, of which every man has plenty;

not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.”

~ Charles Dickens