Eva, my son’s sweet and beautiful dog, passed today.
Some things in this world
happen so suddenly
it takes our breath away,
breaks our hearts and
doesn’t wait for us to keep up.
We are stopped.
Grasp of reality lost.
Future no longer exists
Memories try to fill the void
Confidence trembles
Tear stained grasps for solid ground begins
“…love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.”
~ Khalil Gibran
Closer I came to see a rose!
My finger touched its cold soft petal.
What was its story?
A wedding boutonniere dropped?
One of a dozen pink roses?
Tea coloured tear drops seemed
a sad touch to this fallen blossom.
“There is simply the rose; it is perfect every moment of its existence.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Four years ago tonight
my nursing career
came to a gentle stop:
Life has blossomed with
craft projects for 3 year olds,
new friends and old,
exploring Regina again,
the kitchen as my happy place,
writing projects in progress.
and beautiful ordinary household chores,
shopping for groceries and home
caring for my feline roommate.
It’s all good!
“If you’re brave enough to say goodbye,
life will reward you with a new hello.”
~ Paul Coelho
News Flash
“I’m too old to have a baby, Em!” Dez came in the front door in a rush. Em sat quietly in her chair with her favourite Beethoven sonata playing. Gentle violin music filled the upstairs. She stirred “What did you say? A baby?” Sitting up straight she looked at her sister. “Dez. Don’t tell me you’re pregnant! I know you and Matt see each other often but you have been using protection?” There was a long pause. When her sister didn’t say anything, she fill in the silence. “Haven’t you?”
~~~~~
Dez had come to see her sister after Matt left that morning. Her head was still swimming with excitement from the night before. After Matt’s proposal down on one knee in front of the entire restaurant, the rest of the evening was a blur. She could barely remember how or when they got back to her house on the Estate grounds, When she woke in the morning with the aroma of coffee and bacon frying she was sure it had all been a dream. It wasn’t unusual when Matt stayed over to wake up to breakfast cooking. He was always up earlier than her, a habit from his years on his farm. She rubbed her eyes and almost put one eye out with something. Sitting up, she looked at her hands. A ring she’d never seen before sparkled at her. The evening all came flooding back. The dance, the music, Matt down on one knee, everyone applauding…and the ring. How could she get up now and face him? It was all so real. But was it really real? Maybe it had all been a joke. “Are you ready for your coffee or are you going to hide in here all day?” His husky voice pulled her back to the real world. Dez had never been so unnerved in all her life, except the night that Em had rescued her from jail after their long separation. But this was different. Almost three years ago, she had been confidant and cocky. She’d stay with her sister long enough to get her own place. But the pandemic promised a whole new direction. Now the world was not solid under her feet. She twisted the ring around her finger as if that would give her some kind of answer. She looked up at him, her stomach in knots. Softly, she said “I’m getting up and yes I want my coffee.” Hearing herself speak, she wondered why she sounded so cranky. Resting her bare feet on the floor she pushed her toes into the nubbly mat at the bedside. No, she was not dreaming. “I’m sorry Matt, I didn’t mean that to come out that way, I’m just..…I’m just feeling a little awkward and scared.” She grinned. “Don’t you dare tell anyone I’m scared!” They both laughed, easing the brittle gap between them. “Have you changed your mind, Dez? I felt like a little boy last night. Tongue-tied and so nervous, I could barely eat.” Standing, she reached out her hand to admire the simple ring. “It’s beautiful, Matt.” Raising her eyes, almost in a whisper she said “No, I haven’t changed my mind. But are you really sure about this?”
“Never been more sure of anything in my life, except when I held my baby boys. I knew I would love and care for them forever.” That’s when Dez's mind ticked over to the two of them having children. What if he wanted more? They’d never talked about having a family before. He talked about his sons and the things they did together. Some weekends that she’d spent at his farm, his kids were there. She liked them both and they seemed to like her. “Nice boys” was how she described them to her sister. “I’ll take a quick shower before breakfast.”
Freshly scrubbed and dressed in jeans and a pullover, she came into the kitchen. Over breakfast, they had little to say, both feeling like teenagers that had been caught out. Dez broke the silence. “I’m going to see Em this morning and tell her our news. And we need to talk about a date.” He heard something in Dez’s voice that almost passed him by. It was so fleeting that he didn’t give it another thought. “I don’t want a big wedding. Just a J.P. and maybe take everyone to a restaurant for a dinner. Then we can go up island for a few days.” All their romantic notions dissolved in the morning light.
~~~~~
Dez quickly reassured her sister that she was not pregnant, but needed to tell her something important. “Let’s go downstairs. Have you had breakfast? Of course, you have. But before you tell me this important thing, I’d at least like a cup of tea.” Em started to the stairs. “No, Em. I need to keep this private.” She raised her left hand, fingers slightly apart. When her sister didn’t seem to notice anything, she wiggled her ring finger. Em gasped. “Dez! Is that what I think it is? It’s lovely!” She hugged Dez so tightly, her sister could barely breathe. “When? Last night? Where’s Matt? Why isn’t he with you?”
“Is everything all right up there?” Cook called up the stairs when she heard what sounded like crying? The sisters stifled their laughter. “Yes Cook everything is just fine. In fact it’s wonderful. We’ll be down in a while. We just have some things to discuss. Everything’s fine.”
They turned away from the stairs and went into the living room. “I’m not going to be able to look at either Martha or Cook. They’ll know something's up right away. And I can’t stay out of the kitchen. If I take my meals up here all the time, they’ll really get suspicious.”
Dez was already on her cell phone. “Matt, I’m with Em. She is so happy for us and wants all the details. But I do have a question”…….. “Can we tell Martha, Cook and Digby?”……….. “You did?” Dez mouthed - “he told Samuel”…… “Good, then we’ll spread the news to the others. See you later.” She clicked off her phone and put it away.
For the next hour, she and Em discussed the question of the morning: should she have a child and did she want to? They both knew the dangers pregnancy posed for a mature mother and her child. Dez wasn’t sure she really wanted to deal with that. Em did ask one important question. “Will Matt’s two sons be family enough for you, Dez? After all you’ll be their stepmom.” Their final decision was that discussion about the issue of family had to be with Matt. “Ok, now that we’ve hashed that out, let’s go down and tell the ladies what all the noise up here was about.”
“A family is a risky venture, because the greater the love,
the greater the loss…That’s the trade-off. But I’ll take it all.”
~ Brad Pitt
It’s time.
Time for words to fill the page ~ words that have meaning.
only silence.
Scribbles, looking for poetry,
often find a whiff of inspiration
but only scribbles appear.
air is sterile.
All these words on the page are details ~
details of ordinary life feeling uninspired.
Today my life was ordinary.
Not boring because it held the things important to me.
Reaching out to a friend
Self care at home and in the community
Reading a couple chapters of a popular book
Resting late in the day because it was needed.
Walking against the cold wind was tiring.
Lumpy, bumpy ice slowed my pace.
And still there is nothing to write?
“I tell my students there is such a thing as ‘writers block’,
and they should respect it. It’s blocked because
it ought to be blocked, because you haven’t got it right now.”
~ Toni Morrison
Not too sweet
a bit of a crunch,
winter strawberries
~ seldom sweet and juicy ~
are still delightful.
“It has been many years since I have eaten freely at my choice, fair one,
and a plate of strawberries is all that I desire.”
~ Cassandra Clare, Lady Midnight
Excitement bubbles up when a leaf unfurls, the moon is full or clouds ride the wind.
to share excitement with just anyone threatens to shove excitement aside.
Tamped down, kept at bay
to shelter a tender soul where
excitement can be nurtured
to grow slowly, finding others ~
where there is safety in excitement
about a leaf unfurling to greet the sun.
“One ought to hold on to one’s heart; for if one lets it go,
one soon loses control of the head too.”
~ Friedrich Nietzsche
