Uncertain Relief

I have heard each of the phrases: ‘breaking the surface’, ‘coming out of a tunnel’ and ‘coming out a hole’ many times over the years usually speaking of lifting depression. My post today is descriptions of what each of those could feel like to those that have suffered acute depression, and possibly even suicidal thinking. A patient of mine, a young girl, from another hospital at another time told me ‘I know my depression’. We were discussing what happened for her to have recurrent suicide attempts or frequent hospitalizations. Relapse is a phase of any chronic disease. Doing the work to ‘stay afloat’, to feel the warmth of the sun or to take part in a beautiful world in a world of painful reality is the work of those that need to be welcomed back. Here is:

Uncertain Relief

Breaking the surface of water

after nearly drowning amid

waving, leafy seaweed and sinking 

into soft welcoming mud at the bottom

surprises constricted and burning lungs

with a cleansing breath of welcome air.

Discovery that to remain afloat and keep breathing 

strikes panicked flailing and fear.

Coming out of a long long tunnel

after years of just walking and walking

in it’s comfort and dark shelter 

dripping moisture echoing and beating

a gentle kindness despite 

the scurrying of unseen companions

surprises eyes accustomed to darkness.

Discovery of life's brilliance and colour,

while coming into focus, is too sharp and painful

Coming out of a deepening hole

after years of nesting at the bottom

welcomed by the protection of solid walls

pleased with a circle light from above 

until uncomfortable and curious 

attempts to climb walls with few handholds,

digging and scraping finally creates footholds

surprise fills the senses with raucous colour and harsh birdsong

Discovering a world grown foreign is frightening, threatening to overwhelm.

“The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, 

intolerable uncertainty; not knowing what comes next.”

~ Ursula K. Le Guin