Stolen Silence in Two Parts

The writing group I belong to sets an assigment each month for the next month's written piece. For this month, we had two options to write from:

1. “A shrill cry echoed in the mist.” ~ or
2. “I didn’t mean to kill her.”

Most of us chose one or the other, a couple of us chose to include both in our writing for February. The two parts I’ve included in today’s post are the initial story I presented at Writer’s group yesterday afternoon.The second part is the same story ~  revised and edited. For the original piece, I had written it fairly quickly and should have listened to my inner stirrings that it wasn’t quite right. Some critiquing by group members scratched at my ego, but when took a deep breath and did my own critiquing, they were consistent with my own concerns. The inner stirrings I had ignored. 

I’ve included them both and invite any comments or critiquing. My ego? Well, it will just have to zip it. Here is: “Stolen Silence” followed by “Stolen Silence ~Revised

Stolen Silence

A shrill cry echoed in the mist. 

Detective Desmond Steel was on his way home. Dez much preferred this long walk up and along the old waterfront. Especially when the mist was so thick and silent. The quiet and comfort it offered after a very long, very busy day in the office and on the streets slowed his racing mind. Detective Steel had not only dealt with domestic disputes, murderous violence, and suicides but his own constables had been at each other all day. They were quarrelling about who would accompany him to crime scenes. Detective Steel had become famous on the city streets. Not just his own city, but cities across the country for his arrest and conviction rates. He didn’t want any of the fame. He chuckled to himself. After all there hadn’t been any fortune show up because of it. Thinking again of his constables, his usual constable had been out sick for a week. At least that’s what he said this time. The last time it was a legitimately broken ankle, the time before his grandmother was in the hospital again and that was after she had died. The rumour in the precinct was that he would soon be choosing someone else for his primary constable. He pushed those troublesome thoughts into the mist and slowly, all the tension of the day vanished into the darkness. Streetlights, muted glows, shone hazy pools of light onto the old wooden sidewalk. Tiny oases suspended the darkness, if only briefly. Dez had taken a dangerous route home, but he loved the gentle tinkle of the working water craft that barely bobbed on the glossy black water. Slowing his pace even more, he leaned on the wooden barrier surrounding the marina. More of the day’s tension slid from his shoulders dropping soundlessly into the water. A new sound broke the silence and his reverie. Running feet pounding the boards below. Echoes of his dreadful day snapped back into place. “I didn’t mean to kill her!”

*****

Stolen Silence ~Revised

A shrill cry echoed in the mist. Was it a tomcat yowling and prowling in the alley just blocks away? Was it one more violent beating delivered in the dark? His chiseled jaw clenched tight with annoyance. His shift had ended and other detectives at Precinct 29 would have to handle it. His old overstuffed easy chair was waiting patiently. His wife would have his slippers ready. That’s if he had a wife any more. Celeste had left alone time ago and he would have to find his own slippers. Usually they were warming in the dog’s bed, tattered and chewed. Duke was his only companion now. Duke and the newspaper he had picked up from the porch in the still dark, early morning.

Detective Desmond Steel was on his way home. Dez much preferred this long walk up and along the old waterfront. Especially when the mist was so thick and silent. The quiet comfort it offered after a very long, very busy day in the office and on the streets slowed his racing mind. Detective Steel had not only dealt with domestic disputes, murderous violence, and suicides but his own constables had been at each other all day. They were quarrelling about who would accompany him to crime scenes. Detective Steel had become famous on the city streets. Not just his own city, but cities across the country for his arrest and conviction rates. He didn’t want any of the fame. He chuckled to himself. After all there hadn’t been any fortune show up because of it. His mind wouldn’t let go of the day’s office problems.  Jim, the constable assigned to him regularly, had been out sick for a week. At least that’s what he said this time. The last time it was a legitimately broken ankle, the time before his grandmother was in the hospital again and that was after she had died. Rumour in the precinct was that he would soon be choosing someone else to be his Primary. He pushed the troublesome thoughts into the mist. Slowly, all the tension of the day vanished into the darkness. 

Ancient streetlights shone hazy pools of light onto the old wooden sidewalk. Tiny oases that suspended the darkness. The waterfront was a dangerous route for Dez to take home. One never knew who or what he may encounter but he loved the gentle tinkle of the working water craft barely bobbing on the glossy black water. Slowing his pace, he leaned on the wooden barrier surrounding the marina. More of the day’s tension slid from his shoulders, dropping soundlessly into the water. Sighing with relief, pleased that he hadn’t quickly investigated that frightened, shrill cry, he ran his hands through his thinning hair. He recalled the scream that had only lasted seconds and the quiet that followed. That really would have finished his evening. Stepping back from the wooden railing, he resumed his slow walk home, only to stop suddenly in mid stride. Running feet pounded the boards below and came from the direction of that horrible shrill cry. As the running feet got closer, he saw a dark figure come out of the mist. “Please! Help me!!….Thank heavens it’s you, Detective Steel! Really. Really! You have to believe me. I know I missed work again but I had to. I had no choice. She was leaving me again. I didn’t mean to kill her! But she had a gun and I hit her and she fell and her head hit a cement block. Really I didn’t mean to kill her.” 

Jim, his unreliable constable and nice young man, fell on his knees in front of his superior, tears streaming down his face. Dez’s day hadn’t ended just yet.

“The truth of the story lies in the details.”

~ Paul Auster, The Brooklyn Follies

Hidden - Chapter 7

Hidden - Chapter 7

There was no going back, at least not now. Getting this couple together had taken too much work. Not to mention shopping for a wardrobe that wasn’t bland. But it really was the time spent that was so interesting. After Charlotta and Pearl had eaten their High Tea, they did in fact go shopping. But while they were deep in conversation about their shopping trip, ‘Melody in Blue’ interrupted them. Charlotta raised her head, maybe just a little too quickly.

‘Oh, we are going to be serenaded after all. He really is quite handsome don’t you think?’

‘He is not as handsome as that young man over at the bar. At least that’s my opinion. But he is alright to look at - except for that mop of hair.’

‘Why, Pearl! What do you see in someone sitting at bar?’

‘Well, he is better looking. Yes, he is at the bar, but he is dressed so smartly and sitting up straight. I find him much more appealing.”

*********

“Do you remember that, Pearl?”

Pearl blushed, because she had never told Ethan about that afternoon. 

“Of course I remember? But how did you ever get us all together?”

“I came back to the dining room after we left to go shopping. I told you I’d left my new gloves on the table. But I really wanted to talk to this now not so young man you were interested in. It did rather disappoint me, but I already had to revise my plans once. What was another little blip? Ethan and I exchanged phone numbers and met the next day to plan our Valentine’s Day ambush of you too. I had no idea that he was making plans for Evan as I was planning for you!”

“Well, I’m glad you both did.” Evan chimed in. “I was really so shy and my only friend, besides you, Ethan, was the piano.”

“Our plans didn’t really go the way Charlotta and I wanted them to go. We did get to the Valentine’s Day dance but that’s about where it ended. I actually didn’t like you very much, Charlotta, but after meeting Pearl, I was willing to put up with you wanting to run the show.”

“I didn’t much like you either, Ethan, but we did kind of make a good team. As long as you let me run the show.’

**********

Their double weddings had been beautiful. Evan played 'Melody in Blue' before the ceremony. Ethan was dressed smartly in a gray tuxedo. Pearl and Charlotta wore wedding dresses were beautiful. Pearl's with classic lines, Charlotta's almost as vibrant as her personality. Just toned down a bit. Pearl and Ethan were, surprisingly, a match made in heaven. Evan and Charlotta had already fallen in love, but neither of them knew it. It was all those return trips to hear Evan’s piano playing that started their bond in those early years. So here they were, 50 years later sitting in the same dining room for High Tea, talking about their children and grandchildren and making plans for Valentines Day. They did have one more trip down memory lane. On Valentines Day, in the evening they would return here for dinner and dancing, like they had done every year.

“True love stories never have endings,”

~ Richard Bach

Hidden - Chapter 6

Hidden - Chapter 6

Charlotta knew that she was going to have a difficult time getting Pearl to open up and talk about Valentine’s Day. That supposedly romantic day was approaching too quickly. It was only a week a week away! Charlotta had absolutely no prospects for date. Even her big brother, Daniel, who always helped her out of these jams, wouldn’t available. He and his friends were on a ski trip on the other side of the country. So, Charlotte had decided that lunch would be a good start. She knew of a particular restaurant that always celebrated Valentine’s Day with High Tea on white table cloths, silver service and fine china. Pearl liked that sort of thing, but seldom wanted to go by herself. She had spoken to the waiter that morning to reserve a table close to the glossy black grand piano. She had been for lunch there before and had really like the looks of the pianist. She knew Pearl would like the pieces that he played so beautifully. Big Band, classical and every now and then some old Ragtime tunes. Charlotta actually had been back a few times to listen to him play. She had mentioned him to Pearl but only in passing. As they followed the very proper waiter to their table, Charlotte stifled a gasp. There was no one at the piano! Charlotta glanced quickly around the dining room. Elderly couples, probably from a tour group, having lunch. There was a woman reading while she had her lunch. An unfortunate surprise but, Charlotta would just have to revise her plans and quickly.

“Surprise is sometimes the best advantage a warrior can have.”

~ Terry Goodkind, The First Confessor

Hidden - Chapter 5

Hidden - Chapter 5

Ethan was sure that he could convince Evan to at least look at the two young women. Worried that they would turn out to be floozies, Evan was always hesitant. ‘They only look nice, Ethan!’ Ethan, on the other hand, never worried about such details. Not until he had at least met a girl who ‘looked nice’.  He just wanted Evan to get out for something other than their own outings. Maybe if they went out on a double date? Evan might just loosen up a bit ~ if only he wouldn't start going on about the best pianos or his favourite piano artists. He and Evan had gone to venues when, occasionally, headliners were in town. Mostly, it was regional artists that played in cramped jazz clubs for avid audiences. Watching the two very lovely young women, still very girlish, Ethan decided that the possibilities seemed endless.

“I feel like there’s a world of possibilities out there.”

~ Liza Minnelli

Hidden - Chapter 3

Hidden - Chapter 3

Red was the colour for February, but the mood was far from it on the city streets. Red popped up all over the grey streets. Grey skies kept the afternoon windy, cold and wet. And yet there were red street lights. Red umbrellas held against the wind. Even the few leaves left from summer were red. Stubborn ivy, climbing on brick work and fences, was red. It was a beastly afternoon. A red decoration outside the beautiful old hotel seemed garish and out of place.

The mood in coffee shops and cafes was warm and carefree. Groups of friends, laughing and talking, lightened the mood. One or two were dressed in cosy red sweaters. One woman had a charming red hat on that was tilted saucily to one side. The purple feather in the hat band sketched the air with each word she spoke. 

Charlotta and Pearl had chosen this dining room for their lunch and were glad to get out of the rain. The cheerful waitress seated them near the piano where Evan was making magic on the keys. The handsome young man was soon the topic of their conversation. Ethan sat at the bar nursing a drink while he waited for the set to end. The two young men had no plans for the evening. He had seen the two women come in and wondered if their plans had just walked in.

“We see but in dreams the ideal.”

~ Henri Cazalis, Always

Hidden - Chapter 2

Hidden - Chapter 2

Evan also knew that he had to get out more. The guys he sometimes hung out with were always on him to do more than just play the piano. When he first met them, they all thought it was cool that he played piano in a fancy hotel restaurant. ‘Must be a great place to pick up chicks!’ Evan got quiet and nodded nonchalantly. He did have to dress in suit and tie. He tried to keep his hair out of his eyes. When he got into the music, spicing up the old classics that most people wanted, his hair took on a mind of his own. Sure some women came to his piano while he played. None of them his type. Most of them too brassy and bold. And much older than him. On his break, he would look at the couples sitting at corner tables, leaning into each other’s space. Holding hands while their food got cold. Evan would get a catch in his throat and wander out of the dining room. Ethan would be here soon with a pizza, so he stood at the door waiting.

“The quiet sense of something lost.”

~ Tennyson

Hidden - Chapter 1

Hidden - Chapter 1

Pearl knew that it would be impossible. She was so ordinary compared to just about anyone else. Even her expensive clothes were bland and too ‘suitish’. Looking in the mirror didn’t help. Her forever curly mop would not be tamed. Every morning her ordinariness chastised her. Approaching either Evan or Ethan seemed hopeless and just a school girl dream. What would either of them see in her? Evan riffed on the piano just like Jerry Lee Lewis. Ethan was just gorgeous and always well dressed. Pearl was meeting her best friend Charlotta for lunch that afternoon. Together they would make their plans for this Valentine’s Day. Neither of them could face one more Valentine’s Day alone.

“It’s never hard to act ordinary if you feel ordinary.”

~ Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven