Pieces of Recovery - In Memory of Lindsay Stearns 1985 - 2014

Witnessed each day

tiny, faltering baby steps

A slightly shifted attitude

Kind self care and care for others 

gentleness and a kind smile

sincere laughter with others

trying one more time to pick up the pieces

All tiny pieces of recovery

tacked into place

one tiny bit at a time

Sometimes all the pieces 

don’t stay in place,

in the right order, 

as quickly or firmly as they need to ~

a beautiful soul ebbs away from our presence

many hearts fill with memory and sadness.

“There are no extra pieces in the universe. 

Everyone is here because he or she has a place to fill, 

and every piece must fit itself into the big jigsaw puzzle.”

~ Deepak Chopra

Movement

There's no poetic way to say it.

Feeling moody and blue on a day when I should be cheery and sunny is very heavy.

So, despite the heavy mood,

my plans were put in motion.

Tonight, I feel somewhat recovered.

I’ve flown half way across the country, had supper with my good brother and my charming nieces ~

have plans for tomorrow for lunch with a very good friend - still a sister to me.

Recovery from anything does mean 

moving through unpredictable heavy, dark times ~

times that feel like thick sludge around one’s heart.

Movement forward with plans shakes the sludge off.

“I move, therefore I am.”

~ Haruki Murakami, 1Q84 (a novel)

Recovery in Progress

Recovery in progress ~
Awkward, chugging start into a sunshine glare
streaming brazenly into a life cleaned and cleaning.
Bags and baggage put down
or reshaped and repurposed
new baggage picked up and tested for weight and durability. 

Ducking back into active addiction always a risk
myths of a brief respite or 
addiction not really the problem or
just a lack of self control or
the desire to drink/drug ‘normally’ whispers too loud.

Recovery in progress ~ 
no orange street signs and cones, 
traffic wardens directing slow or ahead or stop 
merely those that have gone before and know the road ahead

Recovery in progress ~
an energetic stance a smiling face, 
a change in attitude
all in flux, 
plain acceptance of life situations
re shaping circumstance but not forcing crisis

Recovery in progress ~
daily with end point in the distance, 
not always a clear starting point to be marked 
except maybe the day or hour of actions on the decision for recovery.

Recovery in progress ~
builds spirit and emotional strength slowly and steadily
 ~ always a journey.

“A little here and a lettle there will always accumulate, so why 

be surprised when steady, small steps take you to great places?”

~ Richelle E. Goodrich

Decisions for Recovery

It seems a small thing.

Having my eyes examined to see if cataract surgery is involved.

Drops, dilation, consultation. 

Decision  ~ my own.

Done and dusted, I believe is the saying.

A single detail of my life with

possibility to affect a well earned independence with

a frightening destabilized feeling.

My decision.

Recovery of an entire life 

tumbled and turmoiled by active addiction

also comes down to 

only one decision.

Whether to go forward or not.

Moment by moment 

creating ability to be independent

to affect every detail - not just one.

Decisions for recovery

not to be taken lightly

full of immediacy

extending forward into life.

“Every moment is a moment of decision, and every moment 

turns us inexorably in the direction of the rest of our lives.”

~ Mary Balogh, Simply Perfect

Focus: The Prize of Your Choice

The focus of anyone’s recovery begins 
not with a conscious desire to survive for 

family, 

friends, 
a job 
many people and things outside of oneself ~ are the reasons that are dragged into detox for what is considered recovery. 

Voices chatter and press ~ 
not good enough!
‘rock bottom’ hasn’t been reached yet ~ isn’t it bad enough yet?!

The focus of someone’s recovery does begin
in the subconscious
as instinctive as an animal 
the urge to survive. 
to live one more second. 

No other reason
with no awareness.

A clearing, but still foggy, mind
hears the wah-wah-wah of recovery, 
with bridges are broken and burned,
goals and desires seem like pipe dreams

Recovery means
a lot of work
while two voices battle over the same ground ~
return to active addiction vs return to a self with goals and desires

A real Prize fight for house, home and life....
Recovery is not for the faint of heart and not to be done alone.

“Use what you’ve been through as fuel,

believe in yourself and be unstoppable.”

~ Yvonne Pierre, The Day My Soul Cried: A Memoir

Quiet Time Recovered

Research tells stories of 
neurotransmitters
neuroscience
synapses and
receptor sites
all chattering to each other

all the little gadgety things 
tucked inside our skulls
that we can’t see
we can’t feel
but that run the show

scientists do their research - good
big pharma use the data for designing medicine - good
physicians provide us with diagnosis and treatment - good
nurses create care plans and health teaching - good
But what about the recipients of all of that knowledge?
How do we fit in?
And when?
Our hearts, our minds and our souls - they must fit in!

In recovery, it is the soul
the intention,
the will
and maybe, most of all, the desire 
for an normal life outside of a chemical, managed world.

These unmeasurable ideas and thoughts
exist in a place within each of us.
Picking them out of the air,
examining them and rearranging one’s life
whether research and programs are ready, set up ~ or not ~
is a challenge amid all the clickety clackety noise of data.

“To understand the immeasurable, the mind

must be extraordinarily quiet, still”

~ Jiddu Krishnamurti

Family Bonding

Family weekends end too soon.
Vacation returns to a bout of staycation
For my sons, employment beckons

Short bursts of family, food and fun
times of rebonding, reconnecting and recovery
a trip to the candy shop for licorice and chocolate
sweet times at the beach with the dogs

A group selfie just at evening’s end
(that’s pup Eva’s ear at the bottom of the picture)
Time to sleep...................

“We are like islands in the sea, separate on 

the surface but connected in the deep.”

~ William James

Author's note: edited December 27, 2023