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Showing posts with label Uncertainty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Uncertainty. Show all posts

Wednesday, June 26, 2024

Back and Forth



This branch, drooping over the fence 

unsure of whether to grow and flourish 

or to fade and dry up in the summer sun,

still is graceful in its uncertainty. Insistent lilacs made their own decision while deadness and the greenness were making up their minds ~ not unlike my writing practice that is still deciding whether to steady on or to toss it all over ~ so I continue to write until I have no more words, which has never been a failing of mine.



“If you aren’t in the moment, you are either looking 

forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret.”

~ Jim Carrey

Friday, April 8, 2022

Uncertain Freedom - A Rant

I have tried to keep discussion about the Covid 19 pandemic and all its variants on this blog to a minimum. The effects on my person have only been the restrictions.


To my knowledge, I’ve not even been in contact with anyone positive for any of the variants in the last two years. Yes, I do know of people that have been positive. So what’s the big deal today?


Well, I’ve been out for lunch two days in a row. Problem? 


All restrictions were lifted in this province February 28, 2022. In the last month, I’ve been slowly increasing my outside activities. A widely varying number of people wear masks - or don’t. However, I continue re-familiarizing myself with outside contacts. At the same time, I seem to have a low level of anxiety that I may not even notice until returning home. However, often I am exhausted, for no reason other than I’ve been enjoying a social time with friends! Calm returns after I’ve had time to experience home and quiet ~ sometimes I even get a good nap in!


I am definitely not the only person who struggles with this new found and very uncertain freedom. The uncertainty? The new sub variant of Omicron, BA.2, is circulating happily throughout Canada - including here in Saskatchewan. Sadly, reporting of the current Covid status in this province seems limited to scattered items in news sources and interviews. 


“Don’t pray for better days, pray for a better 

attitude to withstand uncertain days.”

 ~ Mac Duke, The Strategist


 

Wednesday, October 6, 2021

Chapter Two, Episode Fifty-Three - Against All Odds - Situationally Theirs

Against All Odds


Against all odds, both Dez and the other driver, Sandra, survived what could have been a fatal crash. She had asked her sister if the other driver had been injured, but had never been given an answer. Patients weren’t allowed to visit with each other so she couldn’t do anything but ask the nurses. In the week that she was in hospital, Sandra had sent a message with her nurse Cheryl. The message was short ‘I’m ok. Just some bumps and bruises. The doctors were worried about concussion, but tests were negative. Hope you are ok. Sandra’ 


“I feel like I’m in school passing notes.” Dez was muttering to herself when Cheryl brought her lunch in. “Can you take this note to Sandra, please? I know we can’t see each other, but I’m answering her note. Cheryl, I know you’ve got better things to do that deliver the mail so just do your best.” Cheryl put her patient’s lunch tray on the over the bed table. She took the note from Dez and put it in her pocket. “That’s quite all right, Miss Eliot. I’ll be taking her lunch tray to her and will give it to her then. We’re actually not to be taking things from one patient to another, but  I know your Covid tests were both negative. I can’t do this again, though.” Cheryl turned to go. She stopped at the door, hesitated and said “The social worker will be in this afternoon to see you about early discharge. She quickly left the room, closing the door behind her. 


Dez tried to quickly ask questions “Social worker? Early discharge?” but Cheryl was already gone. “Don’t worry, dear. It’s happening to all of us that are ‘almost well’. They’re kicking the lot of us out. Oh, they keep saying ‘not enough room’,  ‘we’re worked to death’, could even be those damned anti-vaxxer people that are filling everything up. Pushing the rest of us out so they can be taken care of.” Dez’s room had been so quiet before she was graced with Mrs. Gordon’s presence. Her private room was changed to a semi private in the blink of an eye with no warning. Mrs. Gordon, 95 years old if she was a day, hadn’t stopped talking since being moved in. “Yes, I saw that social worker two days ago. She wanted me out then, said it was the Doctor’s idea, but I know my Doctor, he would never let me be discharged early. I’m too old. I live alone and I don’t have family here. I told her, in no uncertain terms, that I wasn’t going anywhere. Seems the Doctor changed his mind, because that very same day I got moved in here. They just wanted me to stay in my bed and get moved along with all my things piled on top of me. I made them put me in a wheelchair and get this room all set up properly before I would even come in. It’s a good thing you’re a nice young thing with more of a brain in your head than some of these nurses, not to mention the social worker.” When Mrs. Gordon stopped to take a breath, Dez said “Mrs. Gordon, please. I need some quiet to think these things through.” Dez had tolerated her unwelcome roommate for two days. At first she was amused by this eccentric woman, as time wore on, her patience was wearing thin. “Well, all right, dear, but you mark my words. They’ll have you out of here so fast it will make your head spin.” She took a breath “Here’s that nosy social worker now, so I’ll be quiet and you can tell her that you’re not going anywhere.” Dez took a deep breath, thinking to herself that leaving early just may be a blessing in disguise.


~~~~~


“I thought I would be here for another couple of days! I still have physiotherapy scheduled……” Dez had another thought. “I haven’t even talked about my home and how I’ll manage. No one has been in here to ask me if I even have a home.” The social worker and the nurse had come in together, talking quietly, stopping suddenly when they entered the room. Dez thought they looked a little guilty and really quite frazzled. “Dez - Miss Eliot - this is Miss Anderson, the social worker. She’s come to speak with you about your home situation. The hospital is in need of beds for acute care patients. We’re filling up faster than we have places for anyone. You saw the hallways and your own room is now a semiprivate.” Cheryl looked almost in tears. Over the last week, she had cared for Dez enough that they had developed a sort of good bond. Professional but friendly. “I’m so sorry you’ve had to get the news so quickly…so suddenly.” Miss Anderson put her hand on Cheryl’s arm. A clear signal that she would take it from there. She nodded at her almost imperceptibly. “I have to go, Miss Eliot. There are new patients coming in.” She disappeared into the orderly chaos that had become a nurses’ life on the other side of the door. Miss Anderson took up the conversation. “All the staff have been working flat out, Miss Eliot. Can I sit down?”


“Oh, of course. I’ve forgotten my manners in here. I’ll just give you my information.” Miss Anderson took out her pen and note pad.  “I live here in the city, have an apartment on the 8th floor  across from the park and my only relative lives 7 km. outside the city.” It all came out in one breath. Even as she spoke it, she realized how frightened she was to be alone in her tiny apartment, dependent on grocery deliveries and the good graces of her sister. But due to the circumstances at the hospital, she’d already decided that she’d rather be home than in hospital  another day. At least she’d be able to make a decent cup of coffee. She didn’t know about her meals though. Last time she got groceries, she had filled her freezer with pizzas. There were canned soups in the cupboard, but no fresh fruits or vegetables. Em had cleared out her fridge for her so she wouldn’t come home to the grey green rugs that may have carpeted her leftovers.  Miss Anderson looked up from her notes. “Miss Eliot? Are you all right? You’re so quiet.”


“See. I told you.” The four words from the next bed were accusing and pointed.


“Oh, Yes. No, I’m just fine. Just thinking about how I’ll manage. I’m sure my sister will take me home and get me settled. How soon do you need my bed? Would it be all right if I leave today? I’ll call my sister when you’re finished with me.” Dez was quiet. “I’ll tell the nurses when I know for sure.”


~~~~~


At the Estate, the three women were following James’ advice. Cook called Giles and Joey in to help move the furniture. Giles, already at the Estate, took the call on his cell phone while he was getting ready to take Miss Em to visit her sister. Joey was not in school and only occupied with World of Warfare on his computer. He came out as soon as he was called, not knowing why they needed to move furniture just glad to be out of the house.


“Time stops for no one, no matter how unsure we are of the future.”

~ Rebekah Crane, The Upside of Falling Down

Thursday, September 30, 2021

On a Morning Walk - Squirrel Chatter


“I’m keeping my eye on those two. Scrambling up into this tree, I should be safe. I can move faster than any of the humans can, unless they’re the really short noisy ones. Even those ones can’t catch me. They’re better off chasing geese and ducks. Those two down there holding those shiny things up and laughing? I’m sure keeping my eyes on them! 





 


“Well, it may be humorous to you, 
but it’s a very serious matter to the squirrels.”

~ Lisa Kleypas, American author

Wednesday, September 29, 2021

Chapter Two, Episode Fifty-Two - Chaos to Care - Situationally Theirs

Chaos to Care


The week had passed ever so slowly. Both sisters had become increasingly uncomfortable. For Dez, the bed seemed to grow more lumps, the pillows flatter and harder. The meals were regular and hot - mostly. She got to choose her own meals - sort of. They seemed to be all the same - choose between bland chicken or even blander fish. “Oh, be grateful Dez. At least you’ve got food. And you’re alive.” After her own talking to, the chicken never tasted any better. At least she always had ketchup to give it some taste. For the first time she appreciated her own cooking. Even more for Cook’s meals. Her meals, bread, scones, anything she put her hand to was the stuff of dreams. But, she’d not be getting out to the Estate for quite a while. Her old car was in the Impound and had been totalled. Already on her last pistons, the accident had ended the last few years on her tires. She’d have Matt help her get a new used car, but that would be a while.


She had so many different nurses. There was the young man, Jamie, full of life, cheer and kindness. Cheryl, who had helped with her first bedpan adventure. Thankfully it had been her last. She had also showed her the controls for the morphine. It had been weaned off over a couple of days. Now it was just acetaminophen or ibuprofen. Then there was this one night nurse, Edith, stiff and starched, who marched in every hour on the hour, flashed her flashlight around, harrumphed and left for another hour. In between all of their shifts there were so many others she had to be reintroduced to everyone. 


All the staff were masked, some with gowns and gloves. Even so, Dez had given little thought to any pandemic issues. Her x-rays had not shown any breaks, but her legs were still very sore. The doctors told her that she had severe muscle spasms from braking and from the collision. That was why the morphine was discontinued so quickly, to Dez’s disappointment. The nurses had her up out of bed every day. “You’ll need to use this walker. Crutches when you go home. They offered her a prize of going to the bathroom, which to Dez was like offering a teenager twenty dollars if they cleaned their room. The first day that Dez stepped out in the hall and saw all the equipment and beds in the hall, she saw some patients sleeping restlessly, some moaning, and became frightened. She’d heard all the stories of people that died, people that were recovering but none that she had known. It was then that Dez realized the hospital was still in the clutches of the pandemic. The scene in the hall made it all too real. She hoped Em would stay home and away from it all.


Two days before she was to be discharged, she was in her bathroom. She heard someone come in her room, her bed being moved and heard animated conversation that chilled her. “We have to do this, Jim. There’s no other space! Both these women are going home soon, they’ve both been vaccinated and, besides we’ve been given our marching orders.” Dez made sure she was decent before coming out of the bathroom. “Cheryl, what’s going on? Why are you moving my bed?”


“Oh, Miss Eliot. We didn’t know you were in there. You’ll have a roommate for the rest of your stay. The hospital is overloaded and we’ve go no more room, even in the hallway. We’ve just admitted another man from Emergency that should be in ICU.” Cheryl hesitated, afraid she’d given too much information. “I’d love to stay and give you more details, but I was sure you would understand.” Pushing Dez’s bed to the window, she and Jim left the room. “We’ll be back with Mrs. Godfrey, her bed and other things.”


~~~~~


Emelina was concerned about her sister. She was getting the best of care. That was not the problem. She was frightened for herself and everyday it seemed to get worse. She had to steel herself to walk from the front doors of the hospital, onto the elevator and to Dez’s room on the second floor. She made certain she was by herself on the elevator and wore a double mask. Feeling like a foolish child, she just wanted to get in and get out with as little contact with people as possible. Always in her mind, was ‘What if I bring this virus home?!’ She no longer spent time in the cafeteria unless she could have a corner table. The hygiene protocols were excellent but as case numbers increased, her anxiety increased. Living at the Estate, secluded from the chaos that her husband lived every day, she had become complacent, feeling quite untouchable. Jeremy never talked about his work, just glad to be away from it all. Now Emelina understood. She passed the patients in the hallways on her way to Dez’s room. Machines beeping and wheezing, patients calling out for a nurse. Emelina just wanted to get Dez out of there and home. 


At home, she had talked with Martha and Cook about her worries, telling them about her fears for Dez. “How will she manage in her apartment? I’ll take groceries to her and get her outside while she’s getting better. She’ll be on crutches for a while and will have physiotherapy exercises to do. Probably will need to get to appointments. I can take her to those as well.” Martha just listened patiently, getting her a fresh cup of tea or a tissue. Cook kept working, getting Samuel’s lunch ready, saying that “Miss Dez will be just fine, Miss Em.” 


As the women commiserated, James came out of his office for fresh coffee and scrounged cookies from the cupboard. Quietly he said. “Why don’t you get a bed down her for Miss Dez and get her out here. She’s up and around now but still needs a lot of bed rest. It wouldn’t necessarily be good for her to go back to her apartment. Out here we could all care for her. She would have the track to walk on to get her legs back in shape. It is autumn and Samuel can give her some training about care for her orchard.” With that he turned to Cook and to Martha “Thank you Elizabeth. I’ve taken the last of those ginger cookies. Martha, I’ll see you later for our walk home.” Walking back to his office, he stopped, turned back to his employer and said quietly “Miss Emelina, your sister will be just fine. And so will you.”


“Thinking will not overcome fear but action will.”

~ W. Clement Stone

Tuesday, September 28, 2021

A Blaze





Not a fire to be put out.

Merely a bush ablaze ~

a glorious nod to autumn.






“How beautifully leaves grow old. 

How full of light and colour are their last days.”

~ John Burroughs

Monday, September 27, 2021

A Summer and Fall Day





Incandescent heat softened by

crinkled golden leaves 

above and below.


Playfully I shuffled through them, sidewalk and lawn, 

dry gold catching between 

sole and sandal.





“By all these lovely tokens 

September days are here,

With summer’s best of weather

And autumn’s best of cheer.”

~ Helen Hunt Jackson

Sunday, September 26, 2021

A Deep Clean Engagement

A few days ago, I wrote about my dishwasher overflowing. That led to washing parts of the kitchen floor, which led to the digging out dust and dirt hidden in corners, which led to getting behind the refrigerator and the stove to catch and confine dust bunnies and just plain dirt. I’ve many time declared how I dislike housework. That has been a bald face lie. What I’ve not liked about housework is scheduled housework. You know, Monday - laundry. Tuesday - ironing. All the way to every Saturday morning - take out all the silver from the china cabinet, clean it with silver polish and toothbrush, and polish it til it shines!


Today, as I pushed things around, washed and polished, mopped and scrubbed, and ferreted tiny bits of dirt out of corners, I realized that I was doing something that I’d long not recognized. Being engaged with my home and my life. I know some of you are rolling your eyes about now, deciding I have positively lost it. But I’m quite serious. I enjoyed - no, relished the detail of each task. The resulting cleanliness and order left me with calm satisfaction and just a tiny bit of pride. 


I’m not finished in my kitchen. It does not sparkle quite like the waters in the photo beside this little essay. The stainless steel of the appliances do have a lovely sheen and the oven has been cleaned inside and out. What’s left? Cupboards and drawers, inside and out - some have been done, but the rest still need my engagement with my home. Oh, yes, of course finish mopping the kitchen floor.


“The objective of cleaning is not just to clean, but to feel 

happiness living within that environment.”

~ Marie Kondo

Saturday, September 25, 2021

A Pause





The blank page stares at me

with its single white eye 

   ~ ideas flown,

     ~ fantasies buried 

       ~ memories deep in the past.


And so I let creativity rest.

     ~ just for tonight





“The principle of art is to pause, not bypass.”

~ Jerzy Kosinski

Friday, September 24, 2021

I Am From

I am from an old barn and wooden granaries long gone,

dust motes sliding down sunbeams through tired roof and walls,


from an ancient saddle, desiccated and worn

atop a old fence - a feisty mustang riding a far away range


I am from quilts of golden grain, purple flax and yellow mustard, long train whistles, grumbling tractors and dusty dirt roads, 


glittering sunshine and abundant gardens gathered into the kitchen,

from corn husks, canners full of peas or beans,


I am from a plentiful pantry and freezer filled for wintertime meals 

and feasting from all those things that grew our large, noisy family.


“It’s always good to remember where you come from and celebrate it. 

To remember where you come from is part of where you’re going.”

~ Anthony Burgess

Thursday, September 23, 2021

Crumbles






Cinnamon crumbled blossoms

in love with the sun

gently lean from leafy shade.









“O fairest flower! No sooner blown but blasted,
Soft silken primrose fading timelessly.”

~ John Milton

Wednesday, September 22, 2021

Chapter Two, Episode Fifty-One - Time To Care - Situationally Theirs

Time To Care 


Her legs felt stiff. The sheets were cold. Coming out of a morphine haze, Dez was confused. Her bed just felt so strange. She’d have to get a new mattress. She reached for her lamp but it wasn’t there. Opening her eyes to a strange room, she was frightened. “Where am I? This isn’t my bed. What are these bars on the bed? Is this a hospital room? I can’t sit up - my legs are so sore.” Dez sank back on the pillow. It was so flat and hard it could have been a slab of cement. Not one to cry, she cried anyway. Memories started to inch their way into her consciousness. There was a car accident. Dez sobbed. “My car. What happened to her, my poor Old Faithful. I don’t even remember getting here.”


Her hospital room overlooked a small park. Emelina was glad that her sister would have a such a lovely view. She had been in the room just after they settled Dez. After she fell asleep, Emelina walked down to the little park. Returning, she edged in the door of Room 245. “Dez? Are you awake?” Unbeknownst to the sisters, Digby had called Elizabeth and Giles. Elizabeth didn’t miss a beat - “I’ll get right over to the manor kitchen and make sure she gets a good hot meal. And you James, have you and Martha eaten? You come in too. …..Don’t argue, James. I’ll feed you tonight and you can worry about tomorrow when tomorrow gets here.” When Elizabeth spoke to him like he was a school boy he knew any discussion was over. Giles was much easier. “I’ll keep my pager on, James. On second thought, I’ll be out to the manor right away. Miss Em can’t be driving herself back and forth until Miss Dez is out of the woods. She is going to be ok isn’t she?”


“Yes, Giles. She will be just fine. Both her legs were broken so she’ll be in hospital, but then I don’t know about her convalescence.” James breathed much easier knowing that his mistress would be taken care of. She depended on her sister much more than she seemed to know. He had seen them together, Miss Em always asking her sister for advice. She had tried to get Miss Dez to live out at the estate. She gave her the responsibility and run of the apple orchard. When Dr. Jeremy had to go to work, she stayed in the city with her sister. No, this would be hard on Miss Em. She was still just over a year away from being totally dependent on them all. She had made remarkable progress, but it would be too easy for her to slip back. Samuel. He’d get Miss Em home. Martha could go with her into the manor while he talked with Samuel.


~~~~~


“Em, was anyone else hurt in the accident? I don’t remember much. Just the crunching of my old girl. I do sort of remember someone talking to me.” Dez was pale, both legs throbbing. “Can you call the nurse for me? I can’t concentrate, Em. I’m uncomfortable, too much pain………and I think I need a bedpan.” She grinned sheepishly. Pain was one thing, but a bedpan? She felt so helpless! Emelina felt just as helpless. She wasn’t used to seeing her sister so….so…. vulnerable. She pushed the call bell once, then twice and was about to get up and go find a nurse when the door opened. “Good afternoon, Miss Eliot. My name is Cheryl and I’m your nurse for the rest of the evening.” As she smoothed the covers and adjusted the intravenous she continued “What can I get for you?” Dez winced and tried to smile. “Pain. Bedpan and another pillow.” Cheryl laughed. “You want more pain? I’ll tell the doctor to stop your morphine.” Seeing the look of anguish and both women’s faces, she smiled and pushed a button on the Intravenous machine. “There. Is that better? I was making a poor attempt at some humour, I’m sorry. You can give yourself a dose every four hours. Just push that same button. The doctor has ordered the correct dose and will decrease it slowly over a couple of days as you tolerate it. You also needed a bedpan?”


“Yes….Please. I don’t know if I’ve ever sat on a bedpan. I’ve heard they’re cold.” Dez turned to her sister. “Em, would you mind stepping out while I have this…this… new experience?” 


Her sister stood, gathered her purse and jacket. “Of course Dez, I need to call Jeremy and let James and Martha go home.”


~~~~~

Dez didn’t know which was worse. The pain in her legs or trying to get positioned on the slippery cold bedpan. Cheryl, her nurse couldn’t find a plastic bedpan, so stainless steel was the only option. Once she was up and balanced she couldn’t do what she had to until the nurse turned the tap on in the sink. Then she just felt wet. “Come on, Miss Eliot. You’ll be all right. I’ll get you all dry and comfortable. Then your sister can come back in. Your supper will be in here shortly. Do you remember how to give yourself more painkiller?”


“Yes. I use this button on the Intravenous line. It’s set for only every four hours and if the four hours aren’t up, it won’t give me anything.” She held up the IV line to show Cheryl that she’d been paying attention. “Perfect, Miss Eliot! I’ll be checking in on you, but if you’re in too much pain before the four hours are up, call me and I’ll call the doctor.” Cheryl stopped at the door “I’ll send your sister back in.”


~~~~~


Emelina met Martha and James in the cafeteria sharing a muffin. “Oh my, I just don’t care for any other muffins! Elizabeth has me spoiled, James.”


“And me as well, Martha……..There you are Miss Em. Come sit down and tell us how your sister is.” James stood and pulled out a chair for her.  She sat down and looked at her two friends “I just want to tell you both how grateful I am that you brought me into town. I really don’t think I would have been safe on the roads.” She held both their hands. “Thank you. Now, go home and get some rest. I’ll wait for Jeremy. We’ll stay at his apartment and I’ll come to the hospital in the morning.” Martha and James pulled their hands back and looked up. Emelina turned to see what had unsettled them. “No, my Em. You’ll go back to the manor tonight. James, Martha and I have talked it over.” Emelina was still smitten. Jeremy looked so very tall and so very handsome, his hair a mess, his scrubs rumpled. “You talked it over?! Behind my back?” Jeremy smiled. “Yes. Cook’s got your dinner cooking. I also heard that Giles may be out there. Something about talking to you about what time you want to come to the hospital tomorrow.” His pager buzzed. “Have to go.” He leaned into kiss his wife. Before he left he turned to James and Martha “Thanks to the both of you for taking care of her.” 


Emelina blew him a kiss. “Well, I guess that settles that!” She turned to the Digby’s. “Come up with me to say good night to Dez.”


“One of the most important things you can do on this 

earth is to let people know they are not alone.”

~ Shannon L. Alder

Tuesday, September 21, 2021

Convenient Certainty

It was a watery world at 7:30 a.m.Puddles of water from under the dishwasher drained toward the basement stairs (Should have listened to my intuition last night: - do not turn the dishwasher on and go to bed!)

 

Mop, bucket, towels, cup to scoop out 

standing water - maintenance request put in and responded to. By afternoon everything was dry, clean with clear pipe. Order returned to my kitchen.


Lesson? (besides the first one)

Don’t take for granted the hidden pipes of 

plumbing that takes water throughout 

my home ~ something that not everyone has 

access to.


“When the well is dry, we’ll know the worth of water.”

~ Benjamin Franklin