Comes a Time

There comes a time 

when bravery and courage 

are the supports for that 

magical spark of self advocacy. 

     And then we ask: 

Can I be brave enough?, 

Can I ask the right questions? 

without knees softening to jelly, 

without hearts beating in triple time.  

Maybe ~ there will be a time

when we know that our hearts 

are strong enough for all 

the questions and answers.

“When you give doubt your power, you give power to your doubt.
~ Honoré de Balzac, French novelist and playwright

((May 1799 ~ August 1850)

In the Shade ~ 2

no time for self-doubt, but oft

a ready predator to defeat me.

or self-sabotage?

or maybe procrastination?

yet my ideas still flower

despite the shade of self-doubt.

“Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn’t be able to fly, 

but the bumblebee doesn’t know that so it goes on flying anyway.”

~ Mary Kay Ash

Highjacked

Vision sparkles clear until

the heat of my breath 

coats my glasses with fog. 

“Doubt is a thief of the soul.”

~ Andrew Davenport

Coattail Child and Me

 Never more, 

     never again,

would I walk away 

from myself except

to turn away from 

the image in the mirror

to live a life that fits me

even if the child that rides

my coattails dawn to dusk 

wants to stay hidden and quiet

Never more, 

     never again,

will I walk away from myself
and, taking the coattail child’s hand, 

we’ll live a life that fits us both.

“When we get comfortable with our own strength, 

discomfort changes shape, we remember our power.”

~ Jen Knox, The Glass City 

Chapter Two, Episode Forty-Nine - Slow Down - Situationally Theirs

Slow Down

Dez climbed into Old Faithful. Her old red car had just been to the shop. Oil change and tires were rotated. Giles, the Estate chauffeur, had referred her to this garage. She hadn’t been the best at taking care of Old Faithful, but the older it got, the more important it was. Giles had given her quite a lesson about what she needed to do. She always liked to report to Giles when Old Faithful had been taken care of, but he wouldn’t be at the Estate today. Today, she was going out to see her big sister. She and Em were going out to talk with Samuel. Dez had no idea why Em wanted her to be there, but Em asked for her to be there, so she’d be there. She had been pretty vague when Dez asked what they were going to be doing. So she just let it drop.

~~~~~

Emelina couldn’t decide which jacket she should wear. Glancing out the window, she saw clouds but thankfully no rain. She wouldn’t have to wear rain boots. She and Samuel had had many great visits, but they had just been visits between friends. This time she was going out there as his employer. It wasn’t a social call. She really wanted to call it off, but it would only be procrastinating. Reading personnel files, going to appointments at the bank and to the accountant were relatively easy. Not to begin with, but once she got going it was smooth. She’d had Brigitte with her for those meetings, but Brigitte was busy getting her school calendar set up. She did still come to the Estate but only a couple of half days a week. Em finally decided on her denim jacket, it looked more 'gardenish'. The blue leather just didn’t look right or feel right. Too much. There was still something missing. She didn’t want to do this by herself. “I wonder if……I wonder if Dez will come out? She’s probably busy….” Saying this as she punched Dez’s speed dial number, she already felt calmer.

~~~~~

He pushed his old straw hat back from his forehead, pulled his red handkerchief from his back pocket and wiped the dirt from his hands. “Now that wasn’t so bad was it, Miss Em. You looked like you’d lost your last friend when you and Miss Dez showed up.”

“I know, Samuel. You’re right - as you always are. It wasn’t bad at all. I am still uncomfortable when I have to be the boss.” Emelina had taken off her jacket, the afternoon sun too warm for a jacket. Dez had been quiet while her sister and the Estate gardener had talked. She actually felt sorry for her sister, usually so put together and controlled. 

All the way from the house to the garden, Emelina had chattered about her ‘agenda’ that she had written out. “I need to remember what I want to talk about. I’m so nervous that I can’t trust my memory.” She pulled out a small notebook. “Here’s some of my questions, Dez, what do you think: “Are you worried about your job?’ - Cook said everyone was worried about their jobs. ‘Do you have everything you need to do your work?’ I know what’s in Digby’s paper work, but there’s no real listing about what kind of tools Samuel would need. ‘Is your work satisfying?’ I really think for Samuel it is. He seems to live for the land. But I just can’t be sure.”

Emelina stopped to take a breath. “Em, just slow down. Who are you afraid of ~ Samuel or yourself? You’ve never had a problem talking with him before.” Dez had put her arm around her sister, took the notebook from her and literally slowed the two of them down. “We’re practically running!”

Emelina had slowed down then. She took the notebook from Dez, folded it and put it in her pocket. “I think, Dez, it’s me. Michael was always so good at this employer/employee thing. Never flinched, everyone loved him. I just feel like a misfit.” She linked her arm through her sister’s and was quiet. “You’re still learning, Em. It’s good that you have Michael’s example. Everyone loves you too, Em.” There were times when Dez felt like the older sister, but it usually wasn’t long before the tables were turned. 

~~~~~

“Thank you, Samuel. I’m glad you’re happy out here.” Almost stiffly, Em shook hands with Samuel, knowing a hug would not have been appropriate. Hugs were not something Emelina was used to giving, but she was so very relieved. “I’ll be sure to ask Digby to order those tools that need replacing. If you need anything else, just let Digby know.”

~~~~~

“Doubt, of whatever kind, can be ended by action alone.”

~ Thomas Carlyle

Chapter One, Episode 33 - Over the Airwaves - Situationally Theirs

Gardens at Government House in Victoria, BC

June 08, 2020

Review, Edit and Update

Wow! Although there were several, I only ferreted out punctuation issues for this episode. 

Over the Airwaves highlights the issue of maintaining, and sometimes deepening, relationships when in our isolation in Covid19.

Over the Airwaves

Digby very quietly suggested that, as he had to call a staff meeting, he would need more information about the condition of the Beaufort mansion. He asked Martha if she would mind contacting Cook and Brigitte to determine their plans. “Of course I don’t mind.” Digby was quite satisfied, confident in the way Martha managed the household. She would call him with the results of her conversation.

~~~~~

“Well, James is so quiet. I can hardly get a word out of him.” Martha was on the phone with Cook suggesting to her that she needed to take a look at the kitchen. “While those two girls stayed there ~ and neither of them are girls anymore so they should know better ~ they did not leave your kitchen very tidy. The microwave!? They couldn’t have cleaned it at all. And the oven…..Dez ~ that’s Miss Emelina’s sister ~ told me that they only used it a couple of times and it was just for the frozen pizzas you left in the freezer. You’d think there had been teenagers in the kitchen the mess they made. At least they kept their dishes done up. What’s that, Elizabeth?”...............The dishwasher? It was full but all the dishes were clean so I just put them away. I didn’t want to leave that for you. What was I saying about James? As you must already know, he wants to have a staff meeting ~ I may have told you that already ~ but he’s still not sure what day. He wants you to have a chance to inspect your kitchen, pantry and freezer to see what needs to be filled up.”

“You know, Martha, I’ve talked to Dez. She’s such a nice girl and so different from madam. What’s that? We’re not to call her ‘madam’ anymore? Well, that sister of hers must have been a good influence on her. And she’s moved into which room?”

“All the way down the hall to the den. Can you believe it?”

“Where will she put all her fancy things. She’s not going to run back and forth to her closet, but then I suppose she’ll get Brigitte to do all that running......!"

“Miss Emelina hasn’t mentioned Brigitte once. I did tell her that I would be seeing when she would be getting in so we can start a top to bottom clean. But she didn’t say anything about any of her things. Half of them are still in that big closet, but you know that big old ‘armoire’ ~ I think that’s what it’s called ~ she’s cleaned out all of her Michael’s things and has some of her clothes and only a few pair of shoes in there." 

“Good for her. She’s taking the bull by the horns these days. As far as the cleaning goes, tell Brigitte to leave the big appliances to me. All but the dishwasher. It’s a big kitchen so getting the floors and cupboards cleaned will keep her busy enough. Not to mention the upstairs.”

“I’ll make sure she gets your instructions. Do you know when you’ll be over to the mansion for the inspection Digby wants? I’m calling him tonight so I can tell him. He may be able to give me a date for the staff meeting….but then I probably should wait to find out when Brigitte is coming in. That way everything will be tickety-boo when he gets there.”

“Do you think tomorrow will be alright? I could come in the morning. I don’t know how long I’ll be there so if Brigitte is coming we’ll just make sure to keep our distance. It’s a big house so it’ll be easy enough."

“Tomorrow will be just fine. I’ll give Brigitte a quick call before I call James…..I mean Digby….and will let you know when she’ll be coming in. And by the way, when you get to the mansion, if you see a lady in jeans, a t-shirt and work boots, that’s probably Miss Emelina. I hardly recognized her yesterday when I was there. She was on her way to the garden. It’s good to talk to you Elizabeth. I can barely wait to get back to work and a normal life.”

Martha hung up the phone. If you could call it hanging up the phone. Just tapping a little square was just not as satisfying as putting the receiver back in its cradle. She did miss those phones. But now to call Brigitte.

“Brigitte? This is Martha Haverstock from the Beaufort Estate. How are you? You’ve been at your parent’s cottage? How lovely for you. I’m calling to see what plans you have made to come to start cleaning the Beaufort mansion. ……Tomorrow? ……….Yes tomorrow will be fine. Just remember to maintain good distancing which I’m sure you would anyway. Cook will be there in the morning to check on her appliances and our food supplies. I’ve told her you may be there, but I’ll give her a quick call and let her know. I’m also calling Digby tonight with that same information. He wants to set a staff meeting date but wanted us to do our inspections and cleaning so we can start as fresh as possible………Yes, Digby will be sending out an email with the date as soon as he knows. Thank you Brigitte and I’m looking forward to working with you again after this long time in separation.”

Martha felt a little bit flustered. So much talking. She was probably just tired out. She went to her bathroom and put a cool cloth on her face. She looked a bit flushed but didn’t have a temperature. Just to be sure, she got out her old thermometer. Yes, she was just fine. Well, as soon as she spoke with James she thought a nice cup of tea and a biscuit would make her feel better. She fluffed up her hair and smoothed the collar of her floral print dress, straightened her light coral cashmere sweater and went back to the telephone by her computer. FaceTime. Do I dare? What if he’s indisposed when I call? Surely he wouldn’t answer, but he would call me back. I think I’ll take a risk… mother always said ‘Be brave’.

~~~

James Edward Digby was expecting Martha’s call. After a supper of ham and mashed potatoes, James washed his dishes, put them away and swept the floor. He checked the time on his kitchen clock shaped like a very handsome rooster. It was only 6:30p. Martha was to call at 7:30p. He decided he would have time. In the morning, when James combed his hair, it stayed combed. But just in case, he went to the hall mirror and there was hair or two out of place. His shirt collar was a bit askew and he felt a slight chill so thought he should get a sweater on before Martha called.  He retrieved his sweater from his closet and slipped it on. In the bathroom, he straightened his shirt collar, combed his hair again and made certain he buttoned his sweater just two buttons from the bottom. Martha may be calling just to give me a brief report, but I think I may have suggested that she could call using Facetime. James went into his home office and sat at his desk in front of his computer. But just in case, he also made certain his cell phone was fully charged.

“The very essence of romance is uncertainty.”

~ Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

Stung

Stung by my own inadequacy

Faith in my ability to learn

removed the sting.

"Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother."

~ Kahlil Gibran

Author's note: Quotation was missing! Added today; edited: February 08, 2024

It's All About Self-Doubt

It’s all about self-doubt

Self-doubt creeping up and in

whispering inaudibly

a tendril of acrid smoke curling,

settling in

pushing against internal faith.

Faith standing still slowly, 

slowly winning the day

self-doubt wafting away

(but still a fading whisper).

“Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good

 we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.”

~ William Shakespeare,  Measure for Measure

Action Figures

Action figures prominently

in any form of recovery

Longings for health ~

dormant and at rest

    ~ dreaming

         ~ waiting

Self-doubt

A wavy mirage of

     ~ holographic blocks

         ~ ghostly walls

            

Action figures prominently

     ~  without flowing capes 

        ~ without super powers

Self Worth

Grows slowly from a

      ~ solid belief in goodness

          ~ place of stillness and joy

        

Action figures prominently 

in recovery when there is 

      ~ courage

        ~ satisfaction

           ~ life.

“What would you do if you were courageous?”

~ Julie Connor, Dreams to Action TrailBlazer’s Guide

Standing in Your Truth

Leading from your centre ~
not the easiest thing to do
when both sides of the center
challenge each other
squeezing you on both sides
pushing you to go one way or the other, yet keeping a brave balance
in the midst of the noise of 
opinions and rhetoric

Leading from your center
full of uncertainty and self doubt
standing in your center
safe if winds don’t blow too hard
stepping forward from your center
like stepping into a darkened void
losing all sense of balance
until your heart feels the solid ground of your truth

“Be sure you put your feet in the right place. Then stand firm.

~ Abraham Lincoln

Anticipation of Success

Anticipation of success 

is often greater than reality,
yet the final reality has a glow that determination has promised.

Anticipation of success 

sparkles with hope ~
shadowed by wandering clouds of self-doubt.

Anticipation of success leads the way

mapping each small successful step.

“And I will never again underestimate the power of anticipation.

There is no better boost in the present than an invitation into the future.”

~ Caroline Kepnes, You

Author's note: Edited January 27, 2024

Bon Voyage to Self Doubt

Tis time to say farewell, adieu.
To Self Doubt we’ll wave good-bye to this gremlin with a trickster face not much of a pal of mine.

If gremlin with a doubting heart comes knocking at my door, I’ll have to pull the welcome mat away from the front door.

Should the trickster part of self- doubt think to find a door in back
that tricky trickster just may find
a screen door with a latch.

So thank you Gremlin Self Doubt
for this month of words and rhyme
you’re definitely not a need or help 
and you’ve just run out of time!

“Farewell has a sweet sound of reluctance. Good-bye 

is short and final, a word with teeth sharp to bite 

through the string that ties past to future.”

~ John Steinbeck, 

The Winter of Our Discontent

Soul Deep Wisdom

Self-Doubt separates us from ourselves
Our-selves that have wisdom and strength
to balance joys and turmoils of life.

Self-Doubt separates us from family
Our-selves that have met each other in childhood
with childhood fights or playing with toys.

Self-Doubt wears too many faces
with voices that are really our own
but only the face in the mirror 
looks back at the face that we wear.

It takes courage to welcome your heart home
to the eyes that look deep from your soul;
but with the gentle courage of kindness
self doubt will be turned from the door.

“Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and

despair, but manifestations of strength and resolution.”

~ Khalil Gibran