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Showing posts with label Responsibility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Responsibility. Show all posts

Thursday, May 7, 2026

Gate Keeper

Epilepsy walks with me 

using the same feet that 

carry the rest of my body.


To understand that was not easy. 


Epilepsy was in my brain. 

Take a pill and seizures will 

stop being unpredictable.


Slowly, awkwardly, I learned 

that life with epilepsy had 

to become a relationship.


A relationship of respect.

Not mutual, but very much

my own responsibility


To understand that was not easy.


Epilepsy is in my brain,

without its own intelligence.

So I am its gate keeper.


“This is your life. You are responsible for it. 

You will not live forever. Don’t wait.”

~ Natalie Goldberg

Tuesday, July 1, 2025

In Each Moment ~ RESPONSIBLE ~ Theme for July 2025




Rivers flow swiftly…….

Eager to get…….

Suspicious of all……

Posturing against the…….

Owing good fortune…..

Never knowing……..

Situations of many…….

Ideals dashed against….

Boldly standing on one’s……

Life long values…….

Entertaining belief…..






“I long to accomplish a great and noble task, 

but it is my chief duty to accomplish 

small tasks as if they were great and noble.”

~ Helen Keller

(1880 ~ 1968)

Thursday, January 30, 2025

Surrounded

The natural world does not 

come to us begging to be 

seen but puts down roots, 

grows abundant with fruits 

and vegetables, blooms 


flowers of all shapes, colours

and sizes. Broad brush strokes of this 

landscape throws glorious clouds

or darkens with thunderheads, verdant 

with jagged spears of lightening. 


Mumbling skies drench us with 

rain, hail, sleet or snow. We are 

surrounded by a brilliant world 

not of our own making except 

to become stewards of this earth.


“It is that range of biodiversity that we must care for ~ 

the whole thing ~ rather than just one or two stars.”

~ David Attenborough

Friday, May 13, 2022

One Question

To ask 

one question ~


what do any of us

know of another’s life?


To ask 

one question ~


Is there a design flaw

from within that 

is ours to fix? 


To ask 

one question ~


Or do we look

to the design that 

truly is ours to reshape?


“There are always answers. We just have to be smart enough.”

~ John Green, Looking for Alaska

Friday, April 1, 2022

Whether There are Clouds - CALM - Theme for April 2022





Clocks tick…….

Air seems clearer…..

Landing gently…….

Measured steps…….




“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.”

~ Confucius



After a month of trying to write about Anger, I found that I really had little to say. Two years of pandemic restrictions did foster regular periods of anger. Struggling against the unfamiliar bonds,  it was a pretty normal response. Then the world exploded with a frightening and unfair war in Europe. Both have given me time to think about where my feet are, what my responsibilities truly are. Compassion for those outside of my sphere of life has never left me. The surprising feeling of calm rejuvenates my life. For today……and hopefully tomorrow…..


Wednesday, July 21, 2021

Chapter Two, Episode Forty-Three - Out of the Muck - Situationally Theirs

Out of the Muck


Matt wasn’t much for flowers, but he did love his hydrangeas. They seemed almost shy to him. The whites especially so, but the blues and pinks were a little saucy. Always a little sad when they lost their blooms, petals dried up and turned brown, he had been dead-heading them to keep them fresh. Hearing a vehicle coming into his yard, he looked up from his work. Setting his shears down in his wheelbarrow, he pulled his gloves off. “Dez? What’s she doing here. Seems to be on a mission.” 


~~~~~


On her way home from lunch with Emelina, Dez was about to turn down her street when the light turned red. Her thoughts settled as she slowed and stopped the car. “Matt…. That’s who I need to talk to. He’s not involved in this weird situation……..Yes, I’ll go see him.”  She didn’t make the turn, but drove on through the intersection. It was a short trip out of the city. Driving into Matt’s yard, she could see him at his hydrangeas. There were no other cars in his driveway. Dez breathed a sigh of relief. “He must be alone so maybe he’ll have time to talk…..This seems so silly. Silly that I feel caught in the middle of such simple things that really have little to do with me. Martha’s party and Em’s honeymoon!”  She pulled her car up beside his truck, stopped and got out. “Dez! Where have you been?” Matt was glad to see his friend. They had not seen or heard from each other for several weeks. She looked great. Laughing Dez said “Do I have to drive all the way out here to see if you’re still alive?” She was as glad to see her good friend. “Go ahead and finish what you’re doing. I’ll just watch. But I do want your advice when you’ve time to talk.”


“I can finish this up anytime, Dez. It’s hot and I’d like a beer. What about you?” Lifting the handles of the wheelbarrow, he walked his tools under the car port. “We can sit in the back. It’s cooler back there and there’s good shade under the grapevines.”


“A beer would be great, Matt. What I’ve got to talk about is kind of odd, but I need an objective opinion. I thought of you because you’ve got little to do with Em and what’s going on at the Estate.”  She held the door for him, helping him with bringing a small load of wood into the house. “You’ve got me interested now, Dez. What would I know about Estate business?” He laughed. “I told you it was odd.” She accepted her beer from him and followed him out to the backyard. “This is so lovely out here, Matt.” She stepped down into the yard and under the grape ivy. “Do you think you’ll get many grapes this year Matt?”  Looking up into the thick leaves, she could see some clusters of grapes. “Oh, not many. These are pretty old vines and they’re not fruiting as much as they did before. Now what’s this odd thing you think I can help you with?”


~~~~~


Throughout the afternoon, Dez told Matt the three stories: Em’s plans, Jeremy’s plans and Martha’s plans. She told him she had managed to get involved in each one. She was keeping secrets for her sister and for Martha. Somehow they were all coming together, and she felt trapped. 


“Well, here’s the way I see it. From everything you’ve told me, it sounds like you know what you should be doing - or saying. Stay out of it unless someone asks you to do something.”


“But I’m the go between for Martha and for Em. Martha has tried to get the party for Em and Jeremy going for weeks now. I just don’t want them to go away on this honeymoon Jeremy has planned before she gets it going again.” Her brow furrowed, she was tapping her fingers on the arm of the patio chair.


“But why is it your responsibility, Dez? You don’t even live out there. I know you really care about everyone, but that doesn’t make it your stuff.” He was amused but kept a serious look on his face. “And you also want to help - or maybe you want to control it all?”


Dez took a deep breath and sighed. She really didn’t like hearing that last bit. Control. She could say that about her sister, and maybe even Martha, but never herself. Now she was amused, her face relaxing into a smile. “You’re right, Matt. I have thought of that before, but just keep getting drawn into their little plans and ideas.” She slapped the palms of her hands on the arms of the chair. “Their plans are their plans. I guess if I’ve got any role at all it’s just to listen. Thank you, Matt.” 


~~~~~


They spent the rest of the day and into the evening, talking and laughing about their lives. Both were fully vaccinated. They talked of the line up’s and the anti vaxxer’s. Matt took her into the orchard, giving her more tips on how to maintain her orchard. He was pleased that she would have the opportunity to be out at the Estate for the three weeks that her sister and husband would be away. “You could really get to know the trees, Dez. And you might get to know the others that live and work out there as well.” 


~~~~~


“Remember always that you not only have the right to 

be an individual you have an obligation to be one.”

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Thursday, February 25, 2021

Being a Great Granddaughter

Being a great granddaughter is an exciting responsibility ~

Eating all the apples in the bowl, bananas as fast as I can (I only got one!) and two cookies (even though I asked for more).


Watching and dancing to Elmo


Examining everything that remotely looks like fun - 

fridge magnets (the ones I could reach), 

funnels from one of the kitchen cupboards

wiping up water when I accidentally spilled the cat's water - great grandma gave me a towel.


Dancing even when there isn’t any music


Making sure to play with all the toys from my own cupboard

and kissing the cat 


Trying out the rocking chair a bunch of times - I'm not real good at rocking yet.


Learning how to scribble on a big board with a marker


Putting most of everything away when my mom picked me up. 


It was a busy day keeping great grandma entertained.


“You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.”

~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry,  The Little Prince

Tuesday, June 2, 2020

Chapter One, Episode 70 - A Better Way - Situationally Theirs

Review, Edit and Update:
A Better Way brings the core cast of characters together and to Emelina's attention. Most of my edits were related to verb use (present vs past) in the first paragraph to address Emelina's new awareness of her role as 'boss' of Beaufort Estate. I also fleshed out personal reactions around dialogue later in the piece, for both Emelina and Digby.  


A Better Way

Emmie had the house to herself. Down in the kitchen at the long plank table, Emmie read the report Brigitte had written. From their visit with Samuel and the lunch they had with Dez, she had drawn a troubling picture. The notes were clear and concise, but they left out something. Some kind of quality. Emmie couldn’t quite put her finger on it. It was maybe like it missed the sunshine. She hadn’t realized that Brigitte could write so clinically. She had stripped down both conversations to a very skeletal form. Orchard - garden - general yard maintenance - pending apiary - the dollar value to the estate. There was nothing about the quality of life for the people living and working on the estate. Emmie was beginning to recognize a very uncomfortable feeling that she had been ignoring for a very long time. Each time it bubbled up, she distracted herself  or locked it in the far reaches of her mind. In a whisper, Emmie said “I don’t like being the boss. But I am. Just because Michael left me a wealthy woman and left me in charge.”

Now that she could see the skeleton that Brigitte had drawn for her, it was obvious that people made her home such a wonderful place to live. Those people - Digby, Martha, Cook, Samuel and Brigitte - were not in the report except as dollars. Emmie had never considered herself a business woman, but there had to be a better way. “There just has to be a better way.”

Digby’s stalwart and steady steering of this craft became devalued by this report. Just as were the rest of the staff. Martha runs the household like it was her own and does it all with a light touch and laughter, keeping Digby informed about day to day needs for the home. Cook is generous and cheerful. Emmie smiled and took a deep breath, recalling the delicious aroma of bread or the savoury taste of Cook's roast beef dinners or the delicious soups and thick hearty sandwiches. Samuel with his drawl, really is part of the land he cared for. Unlike his short, terse conversational style, he takes them all down the winding road of history of the Beaufort estate. Digby had listened to the same stories from his father when his father was butler. Brigitte had proven to be very flexible - a lady’s maid who really had to function as a nurse maid for Emmie, a cleaning woman, and now she becoming her personal assistant. And Giles. Yes, he could often be seen leaning casually against the vehicle waiting for Emmie. But on the estate he gets grease on his hands with a smile on his face while he keeps all the vehicles in excellent running order. Her sister Dez, just barely in the picture, is merely a footnote at the bottom of the page as Project Manager of the apple orchard and the apiary that had yet to be developed. So very importantly, it had been Dez who kept Emmie out of her doldrums; doldrums that Emmie could easily have embraced. Emmie saw the Beaufort estate in a way she had never dreamed possible. 

Digby stepped out of his office, turned and pulled the door shut. Locking it, he put his keys in his slacks pocket. Picking up his briefcase, he prepared to cross the kitchen. “Miss Emelina. I didn’t know anyone was here.”

“Digby! I thought the house was empty.” She tried to blink tears back.

“Whatever is wrong, Mrs. Beaufort?” Digby set down his briefcase and offered a tissue. “Here, it looks like you need this. Now tell me what’s wrong.” Always part of his butler role, he could be very solicitous. He did, however, care very much for Mr. Michael's wife.

“Thank you, Digby.” Emmie dabbed at her eyes. “Digby would you have time to talk with me? If you have to go, we can talk in the morning.”

“Of course I can talk with you. I will always have time for you. What is it?” He sat down across the table from Miss Emelina, giving her his undivided attention.

“I have been studying and talking and looking at this whole place and the responsibility that I have shirked all these years. It’s so...........overwhelming! I can hardly take any more.” Miss Emelina's resolve was crumbling. She almost wanted to give up. Digby's response, as kind as it was, pushed her further away from the realities that she had seen.

“Well, Miss Emelina, you just give it all to me and I can take care of things for you. After all isn’t that what I’m paid for?” Digby was a bit uncomfortable when he said that, feeling at once just a tiny bit resentful but wanting also to help Mr. Michael's wife in whatever way he could.

“But Digby, I worry about what I should be doing. I don’t want to go back to being helpless, and quite frankly, hopeless. Life was getting darker and darker all the time. That’s not even the important thing. My biggest worry is all of you. Good, good people that keep this old place running. And all just because I pay you………Oh, my goodness…..that didn’t come out right at all. You do get paid, but the work you do is full of life and caring. Certainly it is caring about the estate, but it has been home for all of you for many years. James, you grew up here……oh, I’m sorry…do you mind if I call you James?” Emmie's words tumbled directly from her heart. Digby could see how distressed she really was. This was not the helpless woman they had all been taking care of since the death of her husband.

“Oh course I don’t mind.” Digby felt quite awkward and a little nervous. Mrs. Beaufort had never called him by his first name. “Are you considering a change in staff?”

“Oh no, no, no! I didn’t mean to give you that impression. I was just running on and on. I should have called my sister to talk. I just want to figure out how we can all stay together, but I hate being the boss.” Emelina smiled shyly “Please, don’t tell my sister that…… But there must be a better way and I’m going to find it.”

“There you are, Miss Emelina. Much better now that you’ve had a chance to talk. It will be all right. You take some time away from this. Remember, you’ve only just been truly awake for a few months, studying for just a couple of weeks. Have you considered talking to the Estate lawyer to go over Mr. Michael’s will again and how the estate is to be managed?” Digby offered Miss Emelina more concrete suggestions to give her some relief and at the same time, help her in her quest for Estate knowledge.

“Thank you, Digby. Go ahead and continue with your evening. I hadn’t thought about talking to the Estate lawyers. That’s an excellent idea.” Even just that suggestion relieved Emelina and gave her something solid to work with. Would that be part of Brigitte's role?

They strolled to the kitchen door. Emelina walked with Digby out onto the porch. He raised his umbrella against steady rain. Emelina watched as he drove away. Rain ran down the gutters and dripped from the eaves infusing the air with freshness.

“Character - the willingness to accept responsibility for 
one’s own life - is the source from which self-respect springs.”
~ Joan Didion, On Self-Respect

Friday, April 3, 2020

Chapter One, Episode Ten - Comes the Dawn - Situationally Theirs







May 15, 2020
Review, edit and update:
Focused on Emelina, this piece was, in general, an improved bit of writing. I shortened a couple of sentences and fixed one or two typos. 



Comes the Dawn

Emelina really was a bit concerned about her sister, listening to her cry herself to sleep each night, something she had done as a child, tears never seen in the light of day. She had teased her sister unmercifully when they were growing up about being ‘a big baby’. Dez would inevitably get mad, throw something and run out of whatever room they were in. Their mom would call from whatever room she was in “You girls stop that fighting!” So they would ~ for a little while. 

Emelina had been sitting in Digby’s wingback chair in his room, reading. The book she had chosen, Pandemic Policies for Charities, was interesting but incredibly dry. While she was active in the whirlwind of functions and dinners for fund raising, she could read these sorts of books in no time. Dry or not. But since getting over the shock of no servants, getting a middle of the night call from a police officer and, in truth, getting confined to ‘her room’, she felt a change come over her. She was sleeping better at night. During the day, she felt calm, despite the pandemic fear that hovered. She and Dez were enjoying each other’s company. The last day ~ or was it two days ~ time was all muddled up ~ Emmie felt an emptiness in their kitchen home. And with that emptiness, tension had built up between Emmie and Dez. Emmie would retreat to her room, nap or read. She felt rootless and lost again. She had heard Dez go out. The light patter of rain against glass drew her attention to the bay window and the book shelf beneath it. Books on husbandry, Best Practices for Butlers, Managing Your Employer and Their Family, historical novels……..Some book titles that Emelina recognized and had read were mostly the novels. Rain and books comforted Emelina. She leaned her head into the chair and fell asleep, only waking when she heard Dez come in the house. The slamming of the back door woke her up. After disentangling herself from the throw wrapping itself around her numb feet, she had called out to her. She was certain that it could only be Dez, but a tiny part of her wished it were her staff and Digby. 

Digby, this kind man who had already been in her late husbands employment when they married. Who was he really? How was Martha? The rest of the staff ~ Cook, and Giles and….she couldn’t remember the names of all the others. Emelina was so busy with charity and community work that she paid little attention to all these people that took care of her every need. There would have been a day when she haughtily said “I pay them well, with good health benefits. They’ll be all right.” Today, she was feeling quite differently. For the first time she was truly concerned about their welfare.

 Emmie walked out to the kitchen, her tea had grown cold while she slept. “Dez. Now that you’ve told me your jailbird story, I have a sort of story of my own. I’ll need your help to really sort it all out. You’ve often wondered who Digby is, you sleep in Martha’s room and we’ve been enjoying Cook’s wonderful meals. I would like you to meet them. The board meetings I attend are often run on something called a Zoom program, I can text on my phone and Martha talks about ‘skypeing’ with her family in England. I think one of those could be used to contact my staff and find out how they are, but my computer skills are limited to texting, email and making phone calls with some research for the boards I’m on. Emelina actually was more computer literate than she knew.

The next short while was spent finding the email addresses of Emelina’s staff, accessing the best program. They decided to use Skype for Martha and Zoom for Digby. After they had spoken with both of them, Dez and Emmie decided which one was easier. Dez had been dying to find out about Digby, so jumped on Emmie’s requests almost before she finished talking, but Emmie had more to say.

 “Dez, I want to find out if they need anything and if I can do anything for them. They’re probably wondering if they will continue to be paid! And they’d never ask. I’ll check my bank to see what my own funds are…..oh, heavens, I hadn’t even thought of that.”

Emelina depended on Dez now, more than she had ever thought possible. Digby had always managed her house account. But her personal accounts? She knew how to access her own accounts but hadn’t for days. The money her husband had left to her had always been more than enough to retain all of the staff. Emelina sat down with the sudden realization of the responsibilities she had been neglecting and really not even realizing. Dez saw her sister was shaken, her face pale. She looked ready to cry. 

“Hey, sis. Slow down. We can get this all organized. It’s ok. We’ll talk to Digby and to Martha and see what they would ordinarily do. That will give us a good start.”  Dez stood up and stretched. Sitting at the table, on either side of the green tape but far enough apart, they had been working on the computer they had stationed on the counter. Emmie had the keyboard and mouse while Dez told her what to click on. It was a pretty arduous task. “ But right now, it’s getting kind of late. Between this screen scrounge and that walk I took earlier, I’m hungry. I’ll cook up a mushroom and egg scramble. We’ll have grilled cheese and ham sandwiches for supper. Ice cream with peaches for dessert? We’ll do more work once we’ve had good meal. ”

“You didn’t realize what was passing you by until 
you slowed down a little bit to get a better look.”
~ Karin Slaughter, Undone