Courage - Revised

        Courage - Revised

Jutting boney thin and pale, with long hair barely twisted into a dirty braid, she was so tired, afraid and hungry every day. Active addiction’s long, long time hunger ruled every waking minute.

She had forgotten how or when the balance had tipped and the demands of active addiction had started. How could something that had been fun with friends and with family destroy a life so completely and leave a body still walking and talking? Intrusive, warm, comforting cravings for drugs and alcohol had become incessant, demanding more - and there was never, ever enough.

Sitting, tightly rocking with a thin veil of politeness, in a doctor’s office, she desperately wanted to run away from the brightness and noise of the busy Monday morning. But she just had to get into Detox. Taking precious time from her constant, frantic search for the next score was almost more than she could manage. Many days, despite incredible tiredness and hunger for solid food, she had not been able to take time to save herself. She had become desperately afraid for her life.

Later, huddled on a hard cot, covers pulled over her head, she shivered uncontrollably. Each tiny muscle in her body vibrated with need for the bottle or needle that would deliver relief. She was drenched in foul smelling perspiration that oozed from every pore. And so cold! Even her bones ached. Her legs kicked and jerked, sleep so fragile that constant movement kept her awake and ready to bolt.

Nausea and hunger mingled in a bile coated, shrunken stomach. Every noise magnified, jolting sounds worked in concert with jerking muscles. And why were all the lights so bright? Head completely covered, tiny rays of light lasered through minute cracks in the thick blanket, jabbing through pinched eyelids.  

Every cell and nerve in her body screamed for the relief that she refused provide. It would be so, so easy. There were many only too willing to help her back into the chaos she was trying to escape. Her very life was at stake. The high and the fun had gone as surely as her job, her home and her family. Would any of them wait for her to come back? Many family and friends had already turned away - she knew they had been right.

She sobbed bitter, despairing tears - again. This was not the first time in Detox for her recovery to begin.

“If you are craving your wants, first ask your needs.”

~ Rodel Natividad Casio

A Letter to a 'Soccer' Mom

Hi Cheyenne,

You may not remember me. I was one of your nurses when you were only thirty-four and in a drug treatment center for the first time. I think of you often and finally decided to write.

How are you? I guess you would be about 57 years old now! I remember you today as distinctly as I did then. How are all those kids? Grown and off on their own I’m sure. You were an ordinary soccer mom with six kids with a loving, and very patient, husband. Ashamed and crying because of the mess that you had made of your life.

You told me your addiction all started with the pain pills your doctor prescribed after some major, and very necessary, surgery. You described how your life slowly unravelled and ultimately spiraled out of control. Out of control for you meant draining the family’s bank accounts and lying to the family about so very many things, while trying to keep the ‘good mom’ cover from slipping. You did get yourself and your family in a pretty rocky place!

I remember so clearly how you cried and almost wanted to die. You told me that what you really wanted was to get control of your life again. The crying slowed and your green eyes met mine when I asked, if you had known your fate, would you have taken that first pill. “Of course not.” was your adamant and firm reply. From then on, you worked hard at cleaning up the mess that threatened to consume your life.

Because of how hard you worked, and how clear you were in your intention to move forward, I can’t help but think that you are maybe even a grandmother now, gathering all of your children and grandchildren to you. You told me how the power of addiction stripped you of your maternal instinct to love, protect and instruct. All the staff watched as you pushed the power of addiction away and pulled your own power back ~ for you and for your family.

Hope all continues well with you and yours,

Take good care, 

Susan

“No one is immune from addiction; it afflicts people

of all ages, races, classes and professions.”

~ Patrick J. Kennedy

A Thorny Discussion

"Neuroscientist Carl Hart on his new myth-busting book on drugs High Price, rethinking crack, and how growing up in one of Miami’s toughest neighbourhood has shaped his research.”

Jian Ghomeshi’s guest today, on his award winning CBC radio show Q, was neuroscientist Carl Hart. I found the interview at first troubling and then interesting. I have not read this book as I only heard about it today, so my comments are based on listening to the interview twice.

Carl Hart presented his assertions that not all those that use crack or crystal methamphetamine become drug addicted. This troubled me. Later in the interview he said that these drugs are powerful psycho active drugs and should be used with caution. There was much more discussion about legalizing all drugs vs decriminalizing all drugs. The difference between powdered cocaine and crack. Carl Hart also stated that he wanted to open an ‘adult discussion’ rather than using misinformation that he says is prevalent in drug education. Carl Hart’s concern was that policy shaped on the misinformation about drugs and addiction is often wrong. I found all of the discussion interesting.

I do agree that not all people who use any drugs, including alcohol and nicotine, become addicted to the substance they may use. My personal opinion is that the addictive substance itself is not the problem until it enters the human body. The interface that occurs at that time has potential to create a great many problems. How to prevent that is very individual. If addiction occurs, the problem mushrooms.

The opinions surrounding this topic of addiction, addictive or habit forming substances and the body makeups that drive active addiction are many and varied. They prick through many levels of all societies.

The interview can be found at: Q with Jian Ghomeshi   

Click on the link: Neuroscientist Carl Hart on Re-thinking Crack

“Fight for your opinions, but do not believe that 

they contain the whole truth, or the only truth.”

~ Charles A. Dana (1819-1897)

Hidden from View

Crossing the fine line ~ he didn’t know there was a line.

Tripping the wire stretched across her path ~ she might have walked more carefully if she had known.

Tinder hidden in the leaves ignites ~ raging flames destroy lives, families and homes.

Personal values skew wildly when 

the line is crossed

the wire is tripped

the tinder ignites

Rest and recuperation opens windows and doors of choice.

Traps, rocks and tinderboxes are uncovered very slowly.

Active addiction can become arrested and transmuted.

Recovery from deadly chaos is possible.

“Once you choose hope, anything’s possible.”

~ Christopher Reeve

Undercurrents

Undercurrents 

Staff at the nursing station overheard a terse phone conversation. Their latest client sounded decisive but very tired. Putting the phone down heavily, he turned to the nurse with a forced smile and said that it hadn’t been a good conversation. This middle 50’s business man, was trying to run his business from the detox he was in, only minutes after he was up and around that morning. His phone call had been with his employee suddenly managing a busy Monday morning. Showered and wearing casual street clothes, he was at the nurse’s station to have his morning alcohol withdrawal assessment done when his phone call had come. The nurse on duty had let him take the call first. There were no alcohol withdrawal symptoms needing immediate attention. Once off the phone, it was the nurse’s turn to occupy a few minutes of his time. The clinical assessment revealed that he did in fact show some withdrawal symptoms from stopping alcohol. To many folks, stopping alcohol after a heavy drinking bout would only mean a nasty hangover that would pass fairly smoothly. However this hangover had already lasted three days, and was not quite done. Still tremulous, still higher than normal anxiety, still nauseated, he was very discouraged and disgusted with himself. His abuse of alcohol, his addiction to alcohol, was destroying the fine business he had painstakingly developed. His situation was definitely not to his liking. He closed himself off from anyone present, including himself. An undercurrent of anger threatened to overwhelm. Walking back to the phone, he made another business call.

“In spite of everything I shall rise again: I will take up my pencil, which 

I have forsaken in my great discouragement, and I will go on drawing.”

~ Vincent Van Gogh

Author's note (Dec.07/23): 

This story is based on one true situation. 

These same issues occurred for many others.

Edited for punctuation December 07, 2023