Something

 

I have to think of something,
something intellectual ,

something sparkling with wit,
something with depth 

                and substance.

But all I can think of is
the slippers on my feet,

the cat curled up in his favourite chair,
the hum of the dishwasher,

the photos of family on the ledge above the fireplace
On second thought ~ they are

the brilliant somethings I was yearning for
Family and home, comfort and warmth.

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”

~ Dr. Seuss

Shaded

Experience changes 

colours and depths of belief,

brings nuance into one’s life

just as the trees in spring 

grow from their winter sparse

to soft and brilliant green

to offer us shade in the heat

just as experience offers 

the shade of knowing about

the nuances of many lives.

When we step out of that shade

we risk a brittle, arrogant life.

Experience and willingness 

can change colours and depths of belief.

“The spectacles of experience; through them 

you will see clearly a second time.”

~ Henrik Ibsen, Norwegian Poet 

(March 20, 1828 - May 23, 1906)

Chapter Two, Episode 148 - Samuel’s Story - Situationally Theirs

Samuel’s Story

He didn’t think often about his own life. He’d been part of the Estate as long as he could remember. Born and raised here. Took over from his father. Only went away to University on the mainland after high school, but came back as soon as he could with a Degree in Agriculture. His father wanted him to know things deeper than what he could teach him. For a time, he felt trapped in the strange city world. The noise of the traffic, all the green seemed trimmed and manicured, too many people crowded into small spaces, too many walls. Some days he felt as though he could hardly breathe. Then some professor would lecture about the insides of the plants, the nature of the clouds in the sky and young Samuel would understand the why and how of growing things and the weather. Things he knew instinctively, things his father taught him, but this was deeper. There were insides to things that no one had ever taught him. He was still glad to get home in the open, he knew what books he could study and how he could learn more. Still didn’t like the internet much. One wall of his little shack, was a bookshelf floor to ceiling, full of books and magazines - science, poetry, reference books. He talked like he’d never had an education but that was just his facade. Elizabeth was aware of his books, given him some and borrowed some. They were two of a kind. Set themselves out to the world as uneducated but were educating themselves all the time. 

~~~~~

Samuel hung back when Miss Dez and Matt ran towards their home. They had run like that. “Don’t be silly, Samuel. That was a long time ago and she didn’t stay long.” He had been much younger then, younger than Miss Dez and Matt. She had helped him at the plant nursery several times when he’d go to pick up his father’s orders. After a while, he found excuses to go to the nursery for his father, for any of the staff. She found excuses to wait on him each time. What was her name? “Dang, I’m gettin’ old. Can’t remember her name. Some plant name. But her hair was long, braided and the colour of molten gold.” He walked toward his home at the back of the garden. “She’d sit out on the porch here, watchin’ me in the garden. Oh, she was a pretty thing.” If anyone had asked him whatever happened to her, he didn’t say much. In truth, one day she wasn’t at the store. No note, no phone call, just gone. James Digby had met her once and knew that she was special to Samuel. The only one who really knew about her was James Digby. A teenager himself, he ran errands for his father who was the butler at the time. He tried to find out about her, but the store just said she no longer worked for them. “It was done then, Samuel and it’s done now.” All tidied up, he set his hat on, slung his jacket over his shoulder and left for supper at the Estate. “Suppose I should tell Elizabeth about her…..no, it’s long past and before she was even out here.” 

~~~~~

Seeing Elizabeth putting food on the table, he felt warm inside. There was nothing flyaway about her. Sure they were both older now, but she’d always been like that. No wonder he couldn’t remember that girl’s name. It was as flyaway as she had been. He brushed Elizabeth’s hand gently as he took the mashed potatoes from her. Dez and Matt caught the tender look the older couple shared, and left it alone.

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”

~ Mark Twain

Behind Closed Doors ~ 2

Or taking a walk just because!

The work we do at home

behind closed doors

besides sweeping the floors

or dusting every little thing

but reading an intriguing book

other stuff should's forgotten

Or writing stories, essays, poems

when the other stuff still calls

Or crocheting a new baby blanket

when the bed still needs making

Or painting an imagined landscape

when the dishwasher needs emptying

Or - anything that creates meaning and

depth in life behind closed doors

“Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.”

~ J.M.Barrie

Look

Depth was a quality 

hidden within reflection, 

to answer questions

and pose new ones ~

sharing life’s meaning.

“It is not the length of life, but the depth of life.”

~ RalphWaldo Emerson

A Look Below

Qu'appelle Valley, 2012

Substitutions for last year’s resolutions can be two fold. One: renewing a resolution made the previous January with just a bit of tweaking to see if this new year could be better. More motivation, not as much work/life imbalance… or any reason I need to not continue forward. The second part of substitutions for last year’s resolutions are to play word games! Change resolution to commitment. That should work. Actually, I’ve tried both solutions and neither work very well. Work/life balance ~ now retirement/life balance ~ just keeps tipping over! As far as the word games, I get so caught up in the game, I forget why I started playing them!

New Year’s resolutions have never been my strong suit. Making them has been easy ~ more like a wish list without a plan. Following through on any resolutions is another story completely. In January, 2019, I learned about the concept of ‘going deeper not wider’ from Winnipeg writer David Cain. An interview with Mary Hynes on CBC radio and David's blog at https://www.raptitude.com, suggested a change in perspective for his readers. Using the theory ‘going deeper not wider’ I have found an anchor. I no longer make New Year’s resolutions (i.e. commitments) in a wish list kind of way. Instead, decisions from previous year’s commitments are reviewed. Do I still want to go forward with any one of them, do a bit of the infamous tweaking, or continue to move forward? I have learned to follow through on the projects I have chosen. Some of them have been completed ~ like painting my closet. Some are ongoing ~ like clearing the clutter of years of moving. The most important is writing. Not just this blog, but another project that I took on over a year ago. And then there was the issue of retirement. When I first learned of a Depth Year, retirement was close and really needed my attention. This was one of my early projects that threatened to overwhelm and derail me.

Retirement has suggested, at least to me, stopping. Stopping has seldom been an option, so I decided last year to look more deeply into what retirement means for me, my relationship to life and all it has to offer. There is still much to do, but with the concept of ‘deeper not wider’, that most unpleasant feeling of being overwhelmed was placed as an issue for review using this new perspective. As a result, I've been learning how to take tippy toes into this new life in small steps, cheering myself on and listening to the wisdom of friends and family.

“Errors, like straws, upon the surface flow;

He who would search for pearls, must dive below.”

~ John Dryden, All for Love

Movie Review - Book Club directed by Bill Holderman

Giving a serious review of this movie is rather difficult. Especially when there were some that really panned it as fluff, as a nod to the older woman, as a shameless vehicle for the book Fifty Shades of Grey - which is all true. Seriously though I and my friends laughed out loud, shed a tear or two and really rather enjoyed it. Four rather mature in age girlfriends had shared a book club for forty years, meeting once a month according to the script. Jane Fonda, as Vivian, played the role of a successful hotelier who had shied away quite dramatically from real love for her entire life - that is until Don Johnson, as Arthur came back into her life. Diane Keaton, as Diane, a widow of just a year with daughters that saw her as frail and helpless, fell reluctantly in love with Mitchell, a wealthy air line pilot played by Andy Garcia. Mary Steenburgen, as Carol, was a renowned chef and still married to the love of her life, Bruce, played by Craig T. Nelson, who had recently retired, losing interest in anything intimate, let alone sexual. Candice Bergen, as Sharon, a federal court judge, had been divorced without any relationship for eighteen years and saw no need for such nonsense. She was dared by these friends to get back in the dating game and signed herself up to a dating service. There she met George, played by Richard Dreyfuss and Derek, played by Wallace Shawn, before cancelling that account as a bad idea. 

The script was full of sexual innuendo and if I had only paid attention to that I would indeed have put my nose up in the air and agreed with Sharon (Candice Bergen) - a bad idea. To discover depth to this story made the movie something more. The four women, Vivian, Diane, Sharon and Carol, shared the worries of women growing older that still do want romance but are afraid that game is and should be over and done with. Women often do feel a shudder of invisibility that can come with the passing of time. At the same time, these girls that had become strong, but vulnerable women, still loved to share details of clothes and boyfriends. The book they chose appeared to be merely a vehicle for the story, because it was not an extensive part of their dialogue.

So, if you don’t like chick flicks - whether adolescent or very mature adolescent - please don’t go. If you like any or all of the cast, and it is a great cast, go to watch them take this story and have fun with it. I know that I certainly had fun with it. (For my tastes, there was a bit too much wine involved, however that did play well with the story. And there is a scene starring Viagra.)

“Ladies, we should not go gentle into the good night.”

~ Vivian (Jane Fonda), Book Club

Director - Bill Holderman

Cast

Jane Fonda - Vivian

Diane Keaton - Diane

Candice Bergen - Sharon

Mary Steenburgen - Carol

Andy Garcia - Mitchell

Don Johnson - Arthur

Craig T. Nelson - Bruce

Richard Dreyfuss - George

Wallace Shawn - Derek

Depth of Meaning - GRATITUDE - Theme for May, 2018

Gentle, never garish

Respecting the other

Attitudinally shifting

Thunderous applause

Intuitive knowledge

Tapping out a signal

Understanding opinions

Directing the flow

Enthusiasm for life

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.”

~ Marcus Tullius Cicero

That Same Girl

Who was I then?

I remember a girl

Of many ages

Quiet and shy

Wanting to understand

Directed to be

Alive and useful

Who am I now?

That same girl

Many ages past

Still quiet and shy

Wanting to learn

The depth of purpose

Alive and hopeful.

“A self is not something static, tied up in a pretty parcel and handed

 to the child, finished and complete. A self is always becoming.”

~ Madeleine L’Engle,  A Circle of Quiet

Mixing Memories

On the surface

Cherished memories

Float in picture frames

Cozy up in Afghans 

Looking deeper

Cherished memories

Tuck themselves in albums

Hard copy or electronic

Mixed together

Cherished memories

Taste like homemade bread

Waft gently like roast chicken 

On the surface

Looking deeper

Mixing to match memories

We write our own story

“There’s always room for a story that 

can transport people to another place.”

~ J.K.Rowling

Upheaval

Upheaval should show

Shouldn’t it?

Dusty cracks and crevices

Avalanches of rocks and trees

Bursting closets of stores and stuff

Plain for all to see yet......

Emotional upheaval rolls out

A very, very different story

Keeping a smile on in public - 

A smooth surface hiding

Past and future sprouting

From dark neon depths within

Loose ends sticking out

Awkward angles poking

All a shimmering mirage

Until tomorrow’s reality arrives

“I’ll be here tomorrow if I can make it through today.”

~ Henry Rollins

An InDepth Survey

This morning’s post is a writing assignment for this afternoon’s writing group. I thought long and hard about this piece. Having left it to the last minute, I struggled and pulled my hair out to write it. An unfortunate habit of mine. It was kind of fun though. My laptop is still on stress leave so the picture I have chosen will only show on my Facebook page. Here is: 

An InDepth Survey

I conducted a research project this morning. There was no control group. In fact there was no group. The only subject of this research was myself. I challenged myself to listen to one of my music CD’s to prove my theory. There were actually two potential topics to write about for today. Bounce and/or your favourite song. Thinking about a favourite song, the voice of my favourite musician, Louis

Armstrong, echos in my mind. His throaty, yet soft voice. The song? What a Wonderful World, the song that opens his CD, All-time Greatest Hits, is far from bouncy. Instead it is gentle, flowing  and hopeful. It smooths any frazzled fragments in my mind poking holes in even the sunniest of days. 

I’ve never been a great dancer, except at home when no one is there to watch. My home dance steps moved from a flowing waltz to a bouncy rhythm with each song. Imagined costuming for each dance was important, changing from a pastel Ginger Rogers satin gown to a sparkling, flowing Carmen Miranda gown complete with elaborate head dress! My research was complete. I had proven definitively that my favourite song is What a Wonderful World, followed by any other Louis Armstrong songs. An unexpected finding from this survey is the bounce and rhythm of my other favourite singer, Bing Crosby, in a duet with Louis singing ‘Gone Fishin’. Their music, and most other music genres, are the ribbons woven through our lives with rhythm and colour.

“Imagination is more important than knowledge. 

Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.”

~ Albert Einstein

Creatively Listing

One of the qualities for my Daily Planning is flexibility. Not the wet noodle kind of flexibility, but bending to the moment. This morning as I was mentally reviewing my day - weather included - there were just too, too many details in my head. There seemed so many, in fact that they were tripping over each other just creating a pile of wet noodles! So, I gave in. One more list can’t hurt.

One more challenge. Not a huge one, but I’d just like to get on with things and not have to fuss about all this stuff. I didn’t want another little scrap of paper jammed in my pocket or cluttering up my already cluttered cell phone. It’s raining, windy outside, and for Victoria cold! How do I do this day!? I stood in the middle of my bedroom by my small writing desk and thought. Aha! A solution. For years, a dry erase board has been incredibly useful for mind mapping. Two of them sit patiently on my piano. (Pianos make great easels, for things besides piano books.) Getting things out of my head and down on paper - or in this case a dry erase board - creates a sorting place for the jumble in my head. 

Now I have three lists (plus the one on my cell phone). All of my lists are in specific, visual places. They are not scrunchable. This new/old one is big and I get to use coloured dry erase markers. Being erasable is especially important on this new ‘list’. At night before bed, I’ll take the eraser to it, smudging all the colours so it vanishes just like all the events of the day. Each morning a new daily plan may be outlined if my head is all a-jumble with a busy day.

This ‘solution’ takes me back a bit ago to black or green chalkboards and coloured chalk. Cleaner and definitely not as dusty. Old ways of doing things, upgraded to this year’s models, are still very valuable. In this world of technology using hands on solutions with what you have at your finger tips (or on your piano) seems more difficult. Or maybe just forgotten. Literally unheard of for younger generations, especially the youngest.

“The best solutions are often simple yet unexpected.”

~ Julian Casablanca

A Simple Life - Sort Of..

I love lists. But they are rapidly going out of favour with me. I find them in drawers, under the dining room table, scrunched up in a pocket (sometimes fresh from the laundry) and in corners I never knew existed. I’ve seen other people’s lists on sidewalks - did the wind blow it out of someone’s hand? And left behind in grocery carts - I do hope the grocery shopping was done.

At the beginning of going in depth about life and everything involved, I immediately thought of lists. Not just grocery lists, but which closet should be cleaned first, which days would be best for digging about in the detritus around me (makes me sound like a hoarder!). But making the lists took up too much time. It turned out that was one of the first things to go! Lists! 

I do have one list though.  Here it is:

1. Writing project(s)
2. Household: (groceries, cooking, laundry)
3. Money issues (cash to high finance)
4. Appointments

That’s it. An article I read in these last three months - sorry I didn’t write it down and can’t find it now - talked about establishing a Daily Plan. That sounded like a superb idea so I set about making a list. That’s before the one above. So I re-read the article. It was suggested that part of a daily plan be the qualities of the plan. So here is my second list, which I started talking about in a previous blog post from March 3rd, 2018 (Two Plans and Many Details)

Qualities for Daily Planning

1. Be prepared
2. Flexibility
3. Balance
4. Engagement
5. Timing

Those are the only two lists that should be in my home. I do keep a list on my cell phone for grocery items, but if I follow the two lists above there is no need to check it as I shop for very few items at a time. If I try and scrunch that one up I’ll wind up making a weird phone call or take a picture of the inside of my jacket pocket! 

Looking at my lists today, I pulled from memory my Daily Plan. Taking information from within my own depths rather than depending on a scrunched up wad of paper. Freeing up the time used for list making, I can fill that time creatively and productively. (But I’m not perfect.)

“A little simplification would be the first step

 toward rational living, I think.”

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

**Update (July 28, 2023): I've learned that lists and memory are intricately linked. That may be because writing something down imprints it in one's brain. The clutter of little coloured stickie notes annoys me. So a few years ago, I bought a notebook with a pretty colour. Each morning I make a list of the most important things that need done; my physical routines and the rest my writing projects. The others can be any/all from meal planning, bill paying, outings, appointments and bus times. I can, too easily, get too involved in any of one of them and neglect the rest of my day. **