What There Is

Wondering what there is at the end 

   

   of the journey of life is 

full of imaginings and worries 

until I tire of wondering 

setting my bare feet into new grass 

      to feel cool earth. 

Wondering what tomorrow will bring 

~ easy to let go of because 

I’ve known many tomorrows, 

for the imaginings and worries 

are thin and without substance.

Wondering what my purpose in this world 

could be seems empty of meaning.

So I just enjoy the surroundings of home 

and the sun setting over the roof tops.

“You see, the what if's are as boundless as the stars.”

~ Sally Gardner,  Maggot Moon

Toasted

February 13, 2016

Bringing our yesterday’s 

into today is no mean feat. 

Too often we drag our 

worries along with us. 

But this bit of writing

has little to do with worries. 

It’s about toast. 

Not the toast of clinking glasses, 

but the first slice of 

toasted homemade bread.

Butter melting on crisped 

brown bread, topped with honey. 

If some worry has wormed 

it’s way into the morning ~ 

a good crunch on the toast

may take the chew out of it.

“I always like toast in a crisis.”

~ James Goss, Doctor Who: Dead Air

Author's note: photo from February 13, 2016 

All in my Head

Until I’ve got it sorted

a choice is merely 

a game of ping-pong

in my head ~

worries are like that

until confidence shows up.

“We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. 

The amount of work is the same.”

~ Carlos Castaneda, Latin American author

In the Quiet

In the quiet of the evening 

it is possible to conjure up 

all manner of 

troubles and worries 

just as 

it is possible to conjure up 

all manner of blessings and joys

To choose which of these is good, 

is seldom difficult 

when we set such a choice in front of us.

“I was quiet, but I was not blind.”

~ Jane Austen,  Mansfield Park

No Worries

I missed it ~
the whispers in my ear 

the tightness in my midsection

the frantic busy in my head

I looked around ~

Did I forget something?

Did I turn the stove off? 

What have I missed?!

It did feel good ~

the whispers were kinder

I just felt ….. good!

And perhaps calm?

I got comfortable with it

This peace of mind.

This spacious feeling

This day full of me.

“Make the most of yourself….for that is all there is of you.”

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Heart of the Matter

Longterm plans ~

Step by step

moment to moment

two years ~ five years

a goal to ‘get there’

when diverted to 

a stumble, a fall

focus challenged  

ego bruised,

heart battered

standing once more

step by step

moment to moment

five years or more

the goal to be present.

Standing tall

in the darkness of pain

more than a challenge

a threat to life itself

devastating to any plan

second to second

baby step by baby step

no number of years

the only goal

to stay alive

to be present

to make a new plan.

“The most common way people give up their power 

is by thinking they don’t have any.”

~ Alice Walker

Feeling the Years

I don’t know if I’ve ever been afraid of my age ~ all because of an invisible and mighty virus. The fearful ideas in my head clung to the virus as if it were a life raft. I’ve had numerous bouts of upper respiratory illnesses over the years, but with each decade, they seem more vicious. I’ve been taking this one personally. After all, I don’t have time to be laid low for over a week wondering if I will ever recover. 

Imagining myself incapacitated and trapped in infirmity. My writing practice has suffered; the order in my home has suffered. My habit of putting one foot in front of the other has stood me in good stead. Listening to my body telling me to stand still slowly to get past this bump in the road has eased my fears. 

Having watched a lot of news programs, I reminded myself of those without a home, without finances, without access to a family physician, without family or friends, without food………until I could rest and be grateful.

“Because there is no glory in illness. 

There is no meaning to it. 

There is no honor in dying of.”

 ~ John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

Chapter Two, Episode 163 - Family Circle - Situationally Theirs

“Grandma, mom is worried about me and I don’t think she needs to be.” Her little face set, her usual sunny smile missing, Martha set down her tea. She patted the seat beside her. “Now, now, Abby, mother’s do worry about their children. I still worry about your mother from time to time. Tell me about this worry.” Abby sat by her grandmother, stared at the table then looked up at Martha. “She thinks I’m not eating enough.” Martha glanced at Elizabeth. “Well, why would she think that? Everyone has a poor appetite once in a while.”

“I’m watching my weight, grandma. I want to be like the girls at school. My appetite is ok, except sometimes I get really hungry. But I always eat something at each meal.” Elizabeth stepped in. “So that’s why I’ve missed you after school. You always come in for cookies and chocolate milk until the last week or so.” 

For the remainder of the afternoon, they talked. The three of them, Abby’s grandma, her Auntie Cook and Abby, decided that Abby would see their doctor before she followed any diet. Martha hoped that would be enough, but decided to look up counselors in Hartley for her granddaughter.

~~~~~

“We may have caught a problem in time, Joanie. Abby’s been here this afternoon.” She told her daughter the plans they had set up. Joanie sounded relieved but still worried. She had seen in her students, girls and one or two boys, that succumbed to eating disorders and did not want that to happen to her daughter. “You and the children come to the cottage for supper on Sunday. I’m doing a pot roast that will be too much for just James and I.”  

“Thank you mom! For your talk with Abby and for the invitation. We’ll be there ~ as a matter of fact why don’t we come early. I’ll bring a salad.” Plans set in motion, hopefully life would settle into a comfortable routine again.

“There is no school equal to decent home and 

no teachers equal to honest virtuous parents.”

~ Mahatma Gandhi

Chapter Two, Episode 152 - Clouded - Situationally Theirs

 Clouded

Time and money may be the only things that Samuel Forrester ever worried about. He had to talk to James about it. The season was growing short. Seemed it was shorter this year, or maybe he was just getting older. His joints did creak a bit now, ‘specially in the morning. Once he got going, things smoothed out so’s he forgot all about it. Maybe it was his season growing shorter. Who’d take care of all this garden and who’d help Miss Dez with the orchard and the bees? That’s where the money came in. Where would he go if he ever got so laid up he couldn’t work the land? Oh, he’d saved up money over the years. Didn’t have anyone to spend it on anyway. He wasn’t a clothes horse. Fixed up his truck whenever he needed to and babied it because he wanted to. Elizabeth wasn’t getting any younger either. But she wasn’t out in the weather like he was. The rain was finally coming down. It’d been hot and dry on the Island this summer. He had to spend more time and Miss Em’s money on keeping his plants alive. Grateful that the water pipes had been in good repair. A day off from the garden was a relief. “Days like this get me all mixed up about things.” Samuel washed up his lunch dishes and put them away. Hadn’t always taken the time to take care of things. The relationship he had with Elizabeth had changed all that. 

His cell phone buzzed. The call display told him it was ok to answer it. “Wonder what James wants.” He picked up his phone and walked out on his back porch. Sheltered from the steady soft rain, he spoke into the little gadget. He just couldn’t call it a telephone. Telephones had proper receivers, solid and just set for one purpose. “James. Just about to call you. What’s up?”

“With this rain, I suspected you weren’t busy. Do you think you could come up to the manor? Miss Emelina and I are reviewing the budget for the garden, the orchard and the rest of the yard this afternoon and we’d like you in on our discussion.” Another of Samuel's worries. How much money was he really spending on the whole place? He didn’t have any plan, just got what he needed and gave James the receipts. He tried to keep a lid on his spending, but James kept the receipts and had never told him to tighten his belt. They’d worked like that for years. He smoothed the wrinkles on his brow. “What time? I can come up right now. Just had lunch and not doin’ anything this afternoon.” He’d get a chance to find out how this year had been. They should have been doing this all along. If he could maybe get somebody to work with him, so there’d be somebody to take over when it was time. Like that young man...Tucker was his name? He’d talk with Miss Em and James about it. How it would fit in the budget. Even just one day a week. That boy’s still in school, so weekends. He took a real interest in the place, but had to stop coming.

~~~~~

A fly on the wall would have heard raised voices in James office. “What are those two old fools fighting about, Martha? Not like them. Samuel sure looked worried when he came in here. That’s not like him either.”  The two women stopped what they were doing, their attention on the closed office door. “Elizabeth we just need to keep working and let them alone.” She really wanted to go in and learn what it was all about. 

“Samuel, settle down.” James Digby had never heard Samuel raise his voice. “Miss Emelina will be here soon.” Costs had skyrocketed over the last few years of the pandemic. Shortages, backed up supplies, gas prices up. Samuel knew all that, but hadn’t known the totals of it all. Neither did Miss Emelina. There would have to be cut backs to all the yard care, including garden and orchard. Unless they could come up with a way to make a profit from the fruit and vegetables, they would have to have a much smaller garden. Samuel hadn’t liked hearing that. What James didn’t know, was that it made Samuel’s worries about his own time running out much worse. He had wanted to ask for help for the garden, and he was hearing ‘no’ before he asked the question. For the first time in years, he felt the weight of his solitary life. Solitary, but dependent on the good graces of his employer. “You’re right, James. Guess I’d just better hush and listen to you and Miss Em. I’ll talk when it’s time. Let me go get some tea.” James was tempted to go with him, but decided he needed to be left alone. He hoped that his friend was all right. 

“Elizabeth, is there fresh tea?” He took an old blue mug from the cupboard. “Just finished steeping, Samuel. What are you and James in a stew about?” She filled his mug. “Nothin’. I’m just a cranky old man today. Rain sure is welcome, but the clouds are sittin’ heavy on my head today.” Returning to the office, he still felt angry but not at James, at his situation. He’d have to sort it out himself. He’d listen to what Miss Em and James had to say, put his two cents in when he could and when he was home…..maybe tomorrow……he'd make a plan for himself. In a secret place in his heart he hoped Elizabeth could be part of his plans.

“Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.”

~ Mitch Albom

The Last Straw!

When worries wrapped my head in knots

and my cat's health was driving me mad,

there was no need for my stalwart phone

to close it’s eye and fall silently dead!

I burst into tears and scared my cat.

I crumpled and sobbed like a baby.

Wiping my face and taking deep breaths

I knew my iPad would keep me connected.

When rested well all morning long,

I gathered fragile strands of strength.

In the afternoon heat I went downtown

and bought a new phone instead!

“Stress should be a powerful driving force, not an obstacle.”

~ Bill Phillips