Outburst

I got angry today. Those that know me would be shocked at my behaviour. I said the ‘f’ word….and I slammed my scissors down on the table scaring my cat. Anyone familiar with brown wrapping paper and packing tape and scissors? Each one on their own is completely manageable - almost. Wrapping paper continues to curl. Packing tape sticks to everything: my hand, under the table and itself. The dullest part of the scissors only comes in contact with the tape but doesn’t even nick it.

No…deep breathing did not help. 

In retrospect, it could be that today’s outburst was only the result of intense frustration. The energy behind the clattering of scissors, tearing of paper and ripping of tape was only enough to allow me to finish my task. A short task. 

“Control yourself, it is not worth it. You will regret your 

rudeness afterwards, your sensitive nature will be troubled.”

~ Leila Abouleia, Minaret

Avian Construction Site

Taken from the other side of the window glass.

What am I curious about today? Not how to pace through ‘how do I live through this crazy time?’ What has piqued my curiosity this morning is the House Wren outside my window. Writing from my desk this morning, I kept looking up at the one little brown bird fussing and fluffing the little nest I wrote about on Wednesday. There has only been one bird yesterday and today, not the two that I originally saw. Wanting to go outside and investigate, I was very hesitant. After the chittering chastisement I received Wednesday for just taking a picture outside, I thought it best to stay at this distance.

I have really wanted to know - are these birds wrens or  chick-a-dees? Once more, Google to the rescue. I located an Audubon site with images, sounds and nesting habits. It confirmed to me that, very likely, House Wrens are taking up residence in the flowering shrub outside my window. But then my curiosity took hold again. Why am I only seeing one bird ~ not two? Hmm - in documentaries I’ve learned that some other birds have curious nesting habits. The male makes the nest - and some make a big fuss over it. Is this what is going on? So back to the Audubon site for a little reading.

It turns out that House Wrens do indeed share that behaviour with a bit of a twist. Two nests are built by the male. Obviously quite a distance from each other as I only see one. One nest may be the permanent residence, while the other is a ‘dummy’ nest. The female evaluates both nests and decides which one she thinks would make the best one for her eggs. I did see the two of them this morning. The male still fussing over the placement of teeny tiny twigs and fluff. He has created a quite substantial nest to this human’s eye. The female, sitting a couple branches over and watching, will be the judge of his work. I do hope she chooses the nest I can see so I can keep an eye on the life of these two ordinary brown House Wrens and any chicks that enter the world.

“The knowledge of all things is possible.”

~ Leonardo da Vinci

Currents of Change

Respect
Given or received

Changes
The very air that we breathe

Attitudes
Raise or lower temperatures

And
with this principle of change

Behaviour
Just might follow suit!

“One of the greatest victories you can gain

 over someone is to beat him at politeness”

~ Josh Billings

How Can I?

How can I respect?
Behaviour 
   Irrational or rude
      Annoying or mushy
        Aggressive or violent

When the child that was
    has been lost 
      in an emotional and chemical vortex.

Sweetness and love ~
  vanished as though never there.
    Addiction to alcohol or drugs a catalytic converter.

“Respect must be earned”
     An old adage learned at an adult’s knee

What if respect once earned 
     is torn and tattered,
        frayed and ragged

How can I respect?
    An individual heart and soul is not lost
        merely trapped 
          in need of peace, calm and kindness.

To see life reborn
   Baby steps being taken 
      Eyes shining again
Self-respect regained deserves anyone’s respect.

“I never meet a ragged boy in the street without feeling 

that I may owe him a salute, for I know not what 

possibilities may be buttoned up under his coat.”

~ James A. Garfield

Failure to Recognize

Not a good way to begin the month of June.
Anger and huge frustration about addictions health care
And I do use those three words with great caution
The health care of patients and clients on the frontlines
The health of health care workers on the frontlines

I have devoted the last several decades to this work
I also became aware of the neurobiology of addiction
Always expecting that the bizarre behaviours of our clients
will be seen as a symptom,
that the approaches taken 
in nursing, in social work and in medicine 
and in health care systems will be developed;
that brain trauma of any kind changes an individual’s behaviour,
and such behaviour can be unpredictable and extremely dangerous  to any of us on the front lines charged with the individual's care.

Am I angry about the uncontrolled behaviour of a client with severe brain trauma?
Organic, substance affected, mental illness, in withdrawal or all of the above?
And did I mention anything else ~ oh say like poor nutrition, poverty, ……
Or angry about the systems that appear to continue utilizing ineffective models of care?
And did I mention under-funding and under-educating systems that are in place?

I think that’s enough venting for now.
I won’t stop working for and caring for these clients, these patients ~ my fellow human beings.

“Compassion is all inclusive. Compassion knows no boundaries. Compassion comes with awareness, and awareness breaks all narrow territories.”

~ Amit Ray, Nonviolence: The Transforming Power

A Jumbled Non-Essay

I feel like writing an essay tonight,
words tumbling over themselves ~ but not lining up with any coherency.

My essay is something about stigma ~
Unforgiving stigma that pushes people aside
when their behaviour is erratic and frightening,
their intoxication is over the top.

I suppose I understand that ~
wanting to be protected from someone else’s unpredictable behaviour
I don’t like to be injured, whether by word or deed ~ actually I shrink from it.

‘Good’ behaviour apparently always warrants care and attention
‘Bad’  behaviour also warrants care and attention
but only warrants arms-length care and attention 
even after the ‘bad behaviour’ is gone ~
after intoxication is no longer in your face.

There is no humility in these thoughts of ours.
Merely an arrogance that dictates our own behaviour
So that certain individuals become lost in rules and regulations
Sitting still in a chair, on a sidewalk or couchsurfing into oblivion.

No, I guess I’ll not write an essay tonight.
Thoughts too jumbled and frustrated……….

“Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. 

Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.”

~ Marie Curie

Burning Expectations

My expectations of nurses are, many times, impossibly high. I know that young women and men go into the nursing profession to help. To care for those wh are ill.  I recall my step-father-in-law so very surprised when I was spoke of a patient who was rude to me and to other nurses. He was actually quite shocked. Today I am shocked when I hear of nurses injured and on sick leave because of this behaviour and worse. Do I put responsibility on the nurses for their responses to such behaviour? If their responses are inappropriate or impolite, the responsibility belongs to the nurse, including myself.

But what I have learned over the years is about the condition of burn out when people are under the stresses and strains of whatever life has to offer. This includes impoverished work situations with limited resources.

But, do I put full responsibiity on the patients? I certainly could, and probably have. There are some folks out there that have, shall we say, poor social skills whether sick or well, intoxicated or sober. In fact the behaviour can become worse when sickness prevails.

Do I put full responsibility on the health care systems? Well, kind of. I do give the system their fair share of responsibility, which is a fairly large chunk. Nurses, and other health care professionals and workers are asked to work with minimal resources and in tight time frames. 

I could continue with this ‘blame game’ - or more politely - responsibility. However, I would have to speak about political redirection of funds from the health care systems, and then health care systems redirection of funds to things that I only hear about in the rumour mill.

Systems are composed of people - individuals who have come to their positions with education, upbringings and ideals. Systems are dynamic and ever changing. The pressure of trying to keep a system up and running efficiently is another reason for professional burnout. Shifting and morphing as nurses, doctors, administrators and the myriad of workers come and go.

I guess I have impossibly high expectations of all those folks too. 

“We all participate in weaving the social fabric; 

we should therefore all participate in patching 

the fabric when it develops holes ~ mismatches 

between old expectations and current realities." 

~ Anne C. Weisberg, 

Everything a Working Mother Needs to Know, 1994

At the Nurses Station

A question hung in the air….
Chosen behaviour or discrete function of gray matter?
Where is the line that shifts one to the other?

Answers tossed back and forth
Unformed details trail off into question marks.
What is the line that shifts one to the other?

Behaviour, thought, emotion
All come from within wrinkly folds of soft tissue
How do we learn to act, to feel and shape our thoughts?

A question hung in the air…
Curiousity, vital to finding answers,
dampened by clamour of a real and present work day.

“Reason can answer questions, but imagination has to ask them.”

~ Dr. Ralph Gerard

Which Condition Needs Attention? Epilepsy or Behavioural Disorders ~ a Discussion

Now here’s a difficult task. Writing about the potential mood shifts that may come with seizure disorders. Aren’t these totally separate issues? I heard a while ago, and cannot remember where or whom told it to me, that the focal point of bipolar disorder (previously known as manic depression) and epilepsy are in the same place in the brain. Depression is also apparently a not uncommon trait for those of us with epilepsy.

The difficult part of this task? Not having a completely reputable research base for this piece of information which has now taken the form of rumour. So I’ll talk about myself. I have experienced mood swings and waves of what could be depression. Neither have debilitated me, although I can get a bit cranky from time to time, with some pretty dramatic pity parties.

So I went to my friend, Google, for my research assistant.

At Medscape (emedicine.medscape.com under neurology), I found a huge list of  neurological mechanisms that suggest a relationship between epilepsy and behavioural disorders. (Not quite my idea of neurobehavioural disorders, but my other research assistant, Wikipedia, provided more definition. Included were disorders like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Attention Deficit Disorder, Depression and so many more.) PubMed at www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gob has an abstract entitled “Bipolar disorder and epilepsy: a bidirectonal relation? Neurobiological underpinnings, current hypotheses and future research directions.”

Here is my concern. Neurobehavioural or psychiatric disorders carry their own stigma. In general, society often has a ‘pull up your socks’ attitude for psychiatric disorders. Or with the dual stigma of epilepsy/psychiatric disorders, the attitude may often be sympathy accompanied by a shake of the head - hopelessness. Neither of these responses aid the individual with one or both of these disorders. Nor do they support the caregiver or put any support system in place. (Both conditions can be accompanied by complete denial of their existence until symptoms like the various forms of seizures or unpredictable and erratic moods occur.)

Seizure disorders, especially those dramatic tonic-clonic seizures, unquestionably assume and demand that medication is needed with little if any requirement for behavioural or coping skills; behavioural conditions may merely be tut-tutted or seen as an irritant. 

My personal opinion, is that effective behavioural and/or coping skills are required for any disorder and, as for any disorder, medication may be required.

My hope is that as health care progresses, our society will look at both sides of this process of recovery as much more stabilizing and empowering to all involved.

Who Stops the Cycle?

Who stops the cycle of violence?

Once the cycle has begun for one human being 

we can’t prevent them

from being caught in the trap of being violated?

And when is the cycle recognized?

When the violated and abused are grown

do they inherit

the behaviour of violence with

the stigma of being violent?

All while living with

the painful granite mountain

of the original violation?

Will it ever be recognized?

And if it is recognized

spoken about, who begins 

the climb

clears paths

shows the way

of descent down the mountain?

Who is responsible for

presenting possibilities?

If a key piece of the puzzle is suspected

what part of our system speaks up to say

this human being is worthy of our time?

Is there a place to see when the cycle starts?

Do we wait until it is almost fatal to 

see and do

support and empower?

What is the cycle?

Who is caught?

What does it look like?

My frustration: I can only do a small piece

and then turn the rest over to others...............

“I feel as if I were a piece in a game of chess, when my 

opponent says of it:  ‘That piece cannot be moved.’”

~ Søren Kierkegaard

Five Steps to Walking on Eggshells

Walking on eggshells ~

an expression I’ve heard for most of my life and have always understood to mean that I had to be very careful around someone with my behaviour because of any unpleasant reactions, such as being yelled at ~ I could list as many as......well, I could list a lot.

There was never a fear that I would have some one break out in fits of laughter, because walking on eggshells is survival for too many in abusive and toxic relationships.

So one day I thought I’d examine the expression and 

how it related to accountability.

The image itself of choosing to step on an egg was quite amusing.

Gave me the feeling of a kid who made a mess 

just to see how messy it would get.

But that wasn’t the image that fit my feelings

When I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around someone,

I feel like a victim and feel like I deserve to be treated as such!

But I promised myself that I would examine what part I might play in the picture, so I dispensed with the victim role.

Examining any situation, it occurred to me that I plan the scenario!

My victim feelings were hurt even more.

A life habit, it had been learned and practiced for many years.

Often in situations where no one is around to feel sorry for me.

So how do I plan walking on eggshells?  

In order to find that out, I needed to see a lighter side, 

but see clearly my side of this potentially damaging interaction.

Please bear with these next lines:  

I have devised a Five Step plan from this examination for 

when walking on eggshells is a necessary, or desired, behaviour.

Step One:

(Skip this step if anything listed is missing from your personal scenario)

Early in a day, maybe throughout a week choose a person (target) 

that you’re having to spend time with and are:

a. trying to impress

b. avoid a confrontation with

c. unable to avoid

d. intimidated by

e. has something you want, but can’t have.

Step Two:

(this step does not have to be written down, just stewed about and mulled over):

a. arrange necessary actions and behaviours

b. set little pieces of script ~ what you will say, and how you will say it. (p.s. this step can also be skipped)

Step Three:

a. Take carton of eggs out of fridge 

(use of more that one egg is optional and will depend on how much drama is desired.)

b. When said target is present, put egg(s) in front of you, but away from the target.

Place your foot gently on top of the egg(s) without breaking it(them).  

(Caution:  Multiple eggs require great dexterity and agility, so you might want to try this with just one to start with.)

Step Four (it’s not really a step - just inevitable):

a. The interaction with said target begins with 

all previously planned behaviours and scripts backfiring gloriously.

b. Your foot will involuntarily crush the egg(s) unless 

you are able to remove foot faster than your reflexes stomp on the egg(s).  

(Remember the caution in the Step Three.)

Step Five:

If unable to avoid crushing the egg(s), then you know that the other guy moved the position of the egg(s) causing you to overbalance and splash egg(s) all over the target and force you to clean up shoes, floor and damaged pride.  (For multiple eggs, you will have to call in a Haz Mat team)

Lesson for the day - keep the eggs in the fridge until it’s time to make an omelet!

"Our thinking and our behaviour are

always in anticipation of a response.  

It is therefore fear-based."

~Deepak Chopra