Only a Hop, Skip and. a Jump - On Skates

All the way to this fall. Am I talking about hockey too soon? Maybe, if it was only a hockey game. I have enjoyed hockey games from minor to major leagues. The cut of blades on ice. The whistle of the referee. The slap of hockey sticks against the boards. But I’ve never been a fan of the muscle that is unleashed on ice in the middle of a game. Helmets off and fists flying.

I’m also not a fan of active addiction, whether to alcohol, prescription drugs or illicit drugs, untreated or poorly managed mental health. Unfortunately, what is unleashed is not only muscle but much more serious and life threatening issues. Families shattered, depression, suicide……..I could go on, but you get the picture.

Last evening I attended the AGM for the Umbrella Society for Addictions and Mental Health. The Umbrella Society is dedicated to longterm housing in recovery homes, as well as supporting recovery from these dreadful conditions. Acceptance, encouragement, paramount for these relapsing conditions, is unconditionally offered to scores of those working towards good health and happiness. While still in my nursing career in detox I had many opportunities to work alongside the many frontline staff from Umbrella in their outreach programs. Each one was and has been dedicated to their clients in their recovery. Retirement has meant that I’ll no longer work with them in that capacity, however gaining membership in the Society last night changes all that for me.

My words are minuscule, compared to the ripples that The Umbrella Society on Addictions and Mental Health has made in this community. They have elevated a community of individuals suffering from their various health conditions, whether addictions or mental health, to communities of healthy individuals that live, work and play with clarity and sobriety. These journeys are long and arduous. Yet the Umbrella Society has continued to believe in these folks who have not felt belief from themselves or anyone else for a very long time.

On that note: Come to a Charity Hockey Game in October! The Boston Bruins against the Greater Victoria Firefighters. I’m not a huge fan of hockey, even though I was born, raised and live in Canada. I am definitely a fan of The Umbrella Society for Addictions and Mental Health.

“Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is 

that you don’t know how great you can be! How much you can love? 

What you can accomplish! And what your potential is!”

~ Anne Frank

Each Day

Difficult
Early days of recovery
Eyes open
Scratchy and sore
Body lethargic and sore

Awkward
Each day
Eyes open
Muscles soften
Strength returns ~ slowly

Determination 
Each day
Eyes open
Family photos
Phone calls filled with love and confusion

Sobriety
Each day
Eyes open
Learning new old ways
Communication mending ~ slowly

And then there’s Treatment.

“A single day is enough to make us a little larger or, 
another time a little smaller.”
~ Paul Klee

Not an April Fool's Joke

This is not an April Fool's joke.  I'm writing this post using my iPad. The less than charming computer interference I experienced on Easter weekend has sent my laptop to the 'computer hospital' to ensure that there is nothing lurking in the chips and gigabytes (if that is the right vocabulary).

I did use my iPad one other time for posting my blog, so I know it's possible. Possibilities present themselves at the most unusual time and in ways that could not be imagined. In the minds of those in withdrawal from active addiction, or maybe just in frustration, possibilities are hidden by exhaustion, fear, grief - a multitude of feelings and situations. And yet, slowly, slowly as each of those individuals regain their health and sanity, possibilities begin to show themselves bit by bit.

Health, sanity and sobriety does return more slowly for some than others. Those who keep coming back for one more attempt at health and sanity, along with sobriety, have seen and felt the possibilities and the stressors of a sober life. The choices all remain to be supported throughout these long struggles. Because possibilities always exist.

"Ensuring possibility is kept alive is imperative."

 ~ Stephen Redhead, Life is Simply a Game

January Theme - One More Time

One More Time

Belinda was so sleepy but knew she had to keep moving.
Respecting her limitations, she took slow and measured steps.
Already late, she knew that this had to be her last try.
Valuable time had been lost over many years in detoxes and treatment centers.
Each time trying to find some piece of life jumbled and tossed that would fit together.
Responsibility had not been her strong suit, but she would try again to build a creative life.
Yet, sleepy or not, Belinda was bravely setting out one more time to become clean, sober and sane.

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: 

it is the courage to continue that counts.”

~ Winston S. Churchill

Author's note: Edited January 15, 2024

Believing is Not Enough

Most of us know that 
abuse of drugs and abuse of alcohol leaves the brain demanding more.

Many of us believe ~
Just Stop! And carry on with life like the rest of us do.

What many do not know is that
early sobriety does not bring emotional security with it.

What many cannot know or feel is
waving, spiking moods with rages or tears or just plain numb
the wondrous clear eyed days of energy and motivation
unpredictable or non-existent sleep
waking up knowing that your life is your own again
tripping and staggering when not drunk or stoned
playing hop-scotch with your children without a miss
nightmares and dreams noisy with past days and nights of drinking or drugging.
Many a good nights sleep.

Early sobriety does not equal emotional security.
Emotional security can be built.
Day by day
Friend by friend
Self-help or professional - or maybe both

Detoxing is the easy part.
The first years of sobriety are a challenge.
The first years and all that follow are living life like the rest of the world.

“People still question my sobriety, my commitment to the program, 

and that hurts. I take things day by day, and sometimes I take them 

minute by minute, but I honour my commitment to stay sober.”

~ Tom Arnold

Ordinary

Ordinary

Ordinary. It was just the very ordinary look of her face, her hairstyle, the way she walked. Well maybe not her walk. Her shoulder’s bowed, she didn’t quite shuffle but walked stiffly, head down and even from the back she looked beaten and sad. Even her name was ordinary. Jane. Not Jane Doe at least, but Jane Brown. An ordinary Jane. Sad and yet hopeful. So very hopeful. It was her daughter who called to her. Not literally, but in her look when she saw her mother ‘in her cups’ again, or trembling so badly she couldn’t even hold her cup of coffee to her lips. The pained and worried look on her husband’s face. Her own mother’s set jaw to see her daughter sliding far too quickly down a slippery, rocky slope. And there was the new grandchild to be born. Her son and daughter kept hinting that as long as she was not ‘clean and sober’ - how she hated that phrase - she would be unable to see her first grandchild.

This was her second, or was it her third, attempt to find sanity and purpose in sobriety. It didn’t matter. She was going to stop this time and for good. She didn’t really have much of a plan, but she had a team of people supporting her, and friends that would be honest with her, take her by the hand and lead her carefully over the rocks. Jane Brown wanted to answer her family’s call - and the call of her own heart. Jane wanted to belong again, to live again. As she walked away from me, I saw her straighten, her head up and her step become stronger.

“The things you do for yourself are gone when you are gone, 

but the things you do for others remain as your legacy.”

~ Kalu Ndukwe Kalu

Recovering a Life

At arms length from the heart
A step toward a goal
Hands and fingers pluck a rhythm for a waltz, a two step or samba. Preparation grows and unwinds. Creativity is the dance.

Sounds quite enchanting, doesn’t it?

Active addiction steps forward, then back, up and down, all around, in and out.
Hands and fingers pull forth and back between
bottles, needles and pills
or 
sobriety beckons.
Running and chasing or jumping through hoops
Shameful behaviours and wild swinging moods
emotions and relationships scattered and strewn
Preparation for ‘a life’ grows slower than slow,
but with colour, music, breathing, and faith,
dust and clutter settles and washes away.

“It turns out that an eerie type of chaos can lurk just behind a facade

 of order - and yet, deep inside the chaos lurks an even eerier type of order.”

~ Douglas R. Hofstadter, Metamagical Themas:

Questing for The Essence of Mind and Patterns

Intention to Survive Relapse

Intention to survive
buried deep 
slows downward spirals 

to cling to life again.

Intention to feel life again
suggests a frightening life change
without showing 

the steps to take.

Intention to be brave 

in the face of sobriety
is not considered courageous
may not even be considered.

Intention to survive
edges through a soiled conscience
as a steep upward climb 

begins once more.

“People will do amazing things to ensure their survival.”

~ Patricia Briggs, The Hob’s Barga

Who is Responsible?

Folks over the years ~

The good, the bad and sometimes the very ugly

have come to Detox and Addiction treatment doors.

Fortunately, good has far outweighed bad and ugly.

Active addiction fostered, enhanced or created

unacceptable behaviour and unsavoury circumstances

unreliable qualities and for some - criminal activity - petty to unspeakable.

Some are just flat scary or maybe only unlikable.

In community, keeping a healthy distance may be warranted.

In a health care setting, it is not ours to turn away

or snub our noses at them.

(An aside:  There are many with those same traits that may never have touched a drop or a drug.)

And are those, whether active in addiction or recovery,

responsible for any wrongs they may have wrought?

Definitely and of course.

But, what does it truly take?

to care for those seeking sobriety

to keep a community safe from 

the behaviours of active addiction.

Such a complex problem ~

There is no one ‘type’ of person that has 

heart disease or cancer

diabetes or lung disease

addiction or alcoholism

There may be some sort of similar genetic make up

(five genes are involved in the disease of addiction)

creating similarities and propensities,

but who is really responsible?

Of course, there is the oft heard excuse:

I’m an alcoholic - that’s why I _________

I’m an addict - that’s why I ________

So who is responsible and when does that responsibility start?

Behaviours and attitudes gleaned from 

infant to child, 

teen to adult

culminate in the belief that “It’s just the way I am”  

Aha!  our parents are responsible..........no?

Our characters may have been influenced by our upbringing and 

how we thought about responsibility, 

but in the long run, individually, 

we are each responsible 

for the development of our attitudes and our behaviour.

“Eventually we all have to accept full and total responsibility for 

our actions,everything we have done, and have not done.”

~ Hubert Selby Jr., Requiem for a Dream

A Letter to Bernie

Hi Bernie,

How are you and what’s it like in the great beyond? If your mom and dad are there with you, please give them my best. I think of you often when I’m at work at Detox. You were one of my very first patients in Chemical Dependency. Later we worked together while you went to Texas Tech and got your Master’s in Education and following that we worked together again - you as one of the counselor’s and educators, me as one of the nurses.

Two of my favourite memories of you are the first time I took care of you and later on something you shared with us at the treatment center where we both worked.

As my patient you were stubborn and arrogant, unwilling to even look at the types and amounts of pills you were taking. Mention of your dad just put your back up because you were ‘never going to be like him’.  And you weren’t ~ he died of lung disease, but was sober and had been sober for many years. In those early years you knew nothing of relapse, and maybe didn’t really believe it could happen to you. And so, you unfortunately relapsed after a long period of clean and sober time and died of this nasty, horrible disease of active addiction.

We were all so proud of you at the treatment center. In between the time you were my patient and your too early death, we watched you go through a chemical dependency treatment program, graduate university obtaining a Master’s in Education, and returning to where you had begun your journey - but this time as one of the counselor’s. Your time as a counselor surrounds the second memory. It was your belief, and I concur, that all recovered folks in the early years of sobriety are ‘flaming co-dependents’ and have a lot of work to do to repair relationships. You worked well with patients and their families bringing them hope and help, directing them to the supports that they required to maintain their lives when they had chosen sobriety.

I was greatly saddened when I learned of your death after all of the work that you put into your recovery and the recovery of others. The manner of your death was so very unfortunate, but the good that you did in the years before your relapse was profound. Just know that lessons that you taught me from that beginning stubborn arrogant individual and later on, from the counselor are still used and shared by this nurse.

Thanks for all that you gave to me and to others,

Take care,

Susan

“Relapse is part of the disease of addiction. It’s something that’s 

going to literally slap them in the face when they walk out the doors.”

~ Nicole Lockhart

Recognition

You don’t recognize me

he said

I know your blue eyes

she said

Clean and sober five years

he said

I know your broad smile!

she said

This is my wife and son

he said

Your family’s happy again

she said

I told you I’d come back

he said

You promised that you would 

she said

Thank you for kindness and respect

he said

You put your life in my hands

She said

Recovery from addiction adds day upon day

he said

You took your life in your own hands

she said

“You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.”

~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince