How Should I Feel?!

Natural feelings of  

frustration or joy, 

  anger or excitement, 

   satisfaction or melancholy 

 and finally confusion.

We are often told 

how to feel,

  what to feel, 

    when to feel 

      how long to feel. 

Confusion reigns. 

When feelings bubble up 

   they are real, natural 

     asking for a tear or a smile

       a tantrum or a quiet frown 

Clearing that confusion is

  a hug for joy or for sadness, 

    screaming or crying in anger without breaking anything

      a long walk or a good belly laugh.

        Know there is no set time to feel

“Because it’s not a lie if it’s how you feel.”

~ Jennifer Niven,  All the Bright Places

        

How Should I Feel?

 

Natural feelings of  

frustration or joy, 

 anger or excitement, 

  satisfaction or melancholy 

 and finally confusion.

Often told 

how to feel,

  what to feel, 

    when to feel 

      how long to feel 

Only confusion reigns. 

When feelings bubble up 

    real, natural ~ 

     they ask for a tear or a smile

       a tantrum or a quiet frown 

Sorting out confusion means 

   a hug for joy or sadness, 

    let anger settle and cool 

     walk or laugh  

      know there is no set time to feel

“Because it’s not a lie if it’s how you feel.”

~ Jennifer Niven,  All the Bright Places

        

Confused Thinking

Confusion within reality - a bit oxymoronic?
Keys misplaced with frantic searches ensuing.
Appointment times forgotten or double booked with attendant embarrassment.
Timing off, but fixed with double timing to cover all bases.
At the end of the day, all is in place even if not quite perfectly.
Frustration in the moment, laughter in retelling of the stories

Confusion within dementia is quite another story.
The ‘real’ world is full of fragmented memories.
Urges borne of beliefs in this 'to do' society
to get groceries, 
get on with farming,
go to work, 
to church, 
to act normally within the bounds of dementia
while the bounds of reality are locked doors and tight supervision.

Problem solving skills are fragmented and persistent.

‘Escape’ into the hostile, real world happens, leaving us all
to wonder and to scratch our heads about more locks, better locks,
to provide safer protection and care for our loved ones.

In casual conversation, fears that ‘it will only get worse’ bubble up and are quickly dismissed with nervous laughter.
This fear of personal dementia dives much, much deeper.
Each research item in the news about vast numbers of aging does nothing to assuage those fears.
The forgotten keys, appointment times and double booking are not necessarily signs of impending dementia - they may be just too close to our fears.

“It is coincidence, I decide, and I am getting old and batty, 

thinking the universe revolves around me.”

~ Katherine Dunn, Geek Love

A Moment's Clarity

Confusion

invisible, 

frightening, 

a state of mind

visible in sound and person

only to others

Trapped by uncertain guilt

after certainty has flown 

from plans, dreams and goals,

successful outcomes, 

a predictable future 

examining place in the world

amid murky, flying thoughts

of what should be

a search in vain for 

something solid and real

to feel

to see

Feet feel solid floor and ground

Eyes scan surrounding reality

Standing still slowly,

confusion’s edges still wavering 

peace of mind and calm still threatened

but feet and eyes tell a true story of the moment.

“It is a comfortable feeling to know that you stand on your 

own ground. Land is about the only thing that can’t fly away.”

~ Anthony Trollope

Confusion

Cocooning in grief

dangerous safety

go away

stay with me

sound

sharp

go away

stay with me

voices

unfamiliar

go away

stay with me

methodical tasks

movement is life

go away

stay with me

quietness deafening

life noisy

go away

stay with me

“Light griefs are communicative,

great ones stupefy.”

~ Seneca

Emptied

Shock - confused by

infuriating disbelief 

Grief - numbing to one’s very core.

“The empty vessel makes the loudest sound.”

~ William Shakespeare