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Showing posts with label Certainty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Certainty. Show all posts

Thursday, February 20, 2025

Uncertain Belief

When I was a part of 

the vast army of nurses, 

an employee, 

practicing my craft, 

I had a certain belief. 


A belief in, 

not only nursing and nurses, 

but the frailties of the human body. The ways of walking, talking, coping with the pain and strife of whatever condition was within them. 


Now, as a woman alone, 

my belief was confused 

and many days still is. 


Confused about my place in all this emptiness; 

where do I step; 

am I enough; 

are there rules I should follow. 


Until, step by step, I learned 

to adapt lessons from the past, 

to find the steps, 

the guideposts, 

the anchors for this retired life

and to believe in myself.


“Man is made by his belief. As he believes, so he is.”

~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Wednesday, November 30, 2022

Chapter Two, Episode 112 - Who Knows? - Situationally Theirs

Who Knows?


Jeremy was back at work, the hospital filling up with colds, influenza and of course, Covid19 cases. Emelina was stumping around the Estate kitchen with her sprained ankle. It was bit of a process to get upstairs to bed, but once she was downstairs she stayed downstairs. She didn’t stir from home for several days and was bored. Digby finally put her to work on organizing taxes to get to the accountant. He didn’t really need the extra help but wanted to keep her occupied. 


Dez and Matt had disappeared after getting the Crawfords back from their ski trip. They did stay long enough to have supper with them. Jeremy wanted to get Em to bed and off her feet. Barely eating the delicious supper Cook had prepared, conversation was full of pauses so Cook shooed them away. “Get on with you, I’ll clear this up. Miss Dez, do you want to take any leftovers?” Dez looked at Matt who only shrugged. “No thanks, Cook. We’ll be fine.”


~~~~


“That little bit of snow we got last night, isn’t going to stay long.” Matt was looking out the back window. Dez poured her morning coffee and joined him. “Thanks for making the coffee this morning.” A few flakes of snow drifted past the window. Silence grew heavy with questions. Matt, still staring out the window, said “If we’re going to continue, I need to tell you about someone.” Dez's stomach twisted, but she stayed silent. When the pause felt like a rubber band about to snap, she said “What is it, Matt? Who is it?” She was prepared to say ‘It’s been a slice, Matt’ and ask him to leave. She’d been alone for a long time and she could just go back to her old life. She wished he would quit staring out the window. Not saying anything. Who did he think he was? Who did he think she was? Just a good time for a few one night stands? The more she thought, the longer he was so silent, her anger grew almost too big for her to manage. She turned away, emptied her coffee into the sink, rinsed the cup and very carefully turned it upside down to drain. Matt finally moved. “Dez. I have a son. I don’t get to see him that often but he’s my…” His voice broke, he took a breath. He wanted to say ‘He’s my heart’ but couldn’t “He’s twelve years old. My ex doesn’t want me to see him at all, but my lawyer has got me some limited time with him.” The anger that had been gripping Dez fizzled out. “That’s what you’re worried about? What’s his name? How often do you get to see him?” Questions bubbled up in her head. “This is exciting, Matt. When can I meet him……..” Hesitating, she could tell Matt needed more space than she was giving him. “Let’s have some breakfast. You can tell me all about him and if I can help in any way.” When Matt turned to her, he had tears in his eyes. For a man that prided himself on self control, he had just given himself away. “I couldn’t tell you before because I had to be sure. We’ve been spending more and more time together. Relationships have not been very successful for me ~ I guess I’ve not been very good at them. His name is Sean.” Matt grinned “He kind of looks like me when I was that age.”


~~~~~


“I guess we’ve hit the first bump in the road.” Finally getting all this custody stuff out in the open, Matt could finally breathe easy. Believing he had to keep it all to himself, he was getting more nervous with each day that passed. Promises to himself never to be in a relationship again had slowly eroded. When he woke up beside Dez that morning, he knew it was time to talk about Sean. If she couldn’t handle having to share him with Sean, he would have to shut it off. Definitely hard to do, but not as hard as giving up his son. Dez broke into his thoughts. “My mom told me ‘it’s the bumps in the road that make life worthwhile’. A teenager, I didn’t believe her for a long time. Took a few years of bumpy roads until I finally agreed with her.” Matt looked squarely at her “Ok, so here’s the next bump ~ I have a custody day with him today and tomorrow. He can stay with me for a night, but I can’t have anyone with me ~ like a girlfriend.” Swallowing hard, he was watching for any sign that she would be mad. “Ok. So you and I will take a couple of days off. I’m a big girl, I think I can handle it. Em probably needs to get out of the house before she drives everyone over there crazy.” Matt had tensed for a big fight. When it didn’t happen, he didn’t quite know how to react. “Um…really? Can I ask you one more thing?” He tensed again, but not quite as much. “Ask away, Matt. Whatever you need.”  Stunned again, Matt was not used to this strangely comfortable back and forth. “Ok, here it is. Please don’t tell anyone about Sean until we’ve had a couple of weekends together. I’m going to see what my lawyer can do so you and Sean can meet.” He took her hands in his.  “Absolutely. My lips are sealed. It’s going to be tough, especially with Em, but for you, I can worry about her ankle, take her into town to see Jeremy, go to lunch or a movie.” Matt leaned in “Here, let me seal your lips just little better.” She took his face in her hands. “I think that would be best ~ we do need to be sure.”

~~~~~


“He longed for certainty, and was afraid of it.”

~ Oscar Wilde, Lord Arthur Savile’s Crime

Tuesday, November 2, 2021

Standing Still Slowly - An Essay

Precarious, unsteady ground should be obvious. You know, rocks, broken sidewalks, muddy marshy land. Ground we would obviously avoid. Find a way around, or just change directions. In March, 2020 globally we were all thrown onto very precarious and unsteady ground. For some the bottom of life dropped out completely. Tragically, lives were lost, businesses closed, health care was, and still is, severely compromised. And politics spun completely out of control - but that’s another story.


Where is the permission in all of that? None that I can think of, except that Covid 19 happened. For me, it felt like a gigantic rug of security and certainty in life had been jerked right out from under me. For my family, so very many things were thrown up in the air. Living and being aware of one second at a time was a big deal! Not an airy fairy idea posited by some self help guru.


We could not avoid what was right in front of our lives. Certainly, many have been avoiding the reality of the situation since them. But, there has been no way around the presence of this viral enemy. Only vaccinations have decreased the potential for life-threatening illness. Yes, we’ve been encouraged, sometimes pushed, to get vaccinated. Ultimately, we have given our own permission to go forward. But there has been one more thing in this whirling mess that could be done, and in some cases, had to be done: change directions. In my case, it was a major life move. What I will always remember, is how frightened and panicked I felt before I made a scary, but momentous decision. Trapped by my own circumstance, and after many hours of worry and panic, I gave myself permission to jump ship and move to my home province of Saskatchewan. It took a lot of work, different sorts of worry and packing up seventeen years of living. 


Standing still slowly was my mantra once more. I picked my way through the precarious unsteady ground that had become the norm. Cautiously moving forward, life is not as unsteady, or precarious today. I have learned so much! I have met myself on my own terms in this new/old land of Regina. I’m not a bad sort! Finding a new path has been challenging and exciting. Giving myself permission to feel all the unpleasant and pleasant feelings of this new life is a real blessing.


“Give yourself permission to shoot for something that seems totally 

beyond your grasp. You may be surprised at your capabilities.”

~ Danica Patrick

Sunday, October 31, 2021

Hunkering Down


Rabbits again!!

Furry boulders scattered about.


Today, on CBC Rick Mercer, 

interviewed by Rosemary Barton about Covid-19 

and the coming winter, said

“Canadians know how to hunker down.”


Well, these are Canadian rabbits ~

all over the lawns they hunker down 

in golding grasses that barely offer shelter.

It’s cold! And not even real cold yet!


“I’m gonna hunker down like a jack rabbit in a dust storm.”

~ Lyndon B. Johnson

(I couldn’t find a Canadian winter reference!)

Saturday, October 30, 2021

Word Flight

I’ve got nothin’


blank


empty words


flown like geese.


While muse wanders


I am left


without words


empty


I’ve got nothin’.


“There’s just something obvious about emptiness, 

even when you try to convince ourself otherwise.

~ Sarah Dessen, Lock and Key

Friday, October 29, 2021

Dinner's Served!








If you look closely, 

someone’s already been 

sampling the buffet!








“Never look directly at the sun. Instead look at the sunflower.”

~ Vera Nazarian, the Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration


Thursday, October 28, 2021

What’s Next?

What’s next? 

Always running around my mind like a squirrel in a cage. 

Trying to find my story inside the blur

of morning metallic radio voices of 

philosophy, history or culture

news of the day, 

comedy sketches or

the silence, 

the aloneness, 

the sameness everyday, 

the never ending reminders of the invisible 

the cotton wool of nothingness closing in on my mind. 

its softness seductive

Until I raise my head and wake from it all 

To see the blue sky, white streaks and puffs of cloud

Feel the cool wind on my face

Smell fresh, clean air

Hear juncos chittering, crows rasping

Children playing and laughing,

Cars and trucks busying the streets

Sun shining warm and bright

Life being lived and loved.


“Whatever happens next, I’m sure it’s going to be a great adventure.”

~ Jen Calonita, Paparazzi Princess

Wednesday, October 27, 2021

Chapter Two, Episode Fifty-Six- Fresh Air and A Friend - Situationally Theirs

Fresh Air and A Friend


The rain had barely stopped, clouds hanging heavy in the afternoon. On the porch, Dez and Emelina sat bundled in sweaters and blankets, their hands wrapped around steaming mugs of tea. Cook had made scones, but left them in a warmer in the dining room. Dez closed her eyes, tipped her head back and breathed deeply. “So good.” Emelina had let her attention wander to the gardens that Samuel had tended so faithfully. “Hmm. What’s good, Dez? Cook always makes a good cuppa'.” Dez lifted her head and laughed low. “Yes, she does. But it’s the fresh air. Moist, cool…..and not stuffy, medicine-y noise.” It was Emelina’s turn to laugh. “How can hospital air smell noisy?” Dez took a sip of her cooling tea. “Hmph! You haven’t had to spend more than a few hours in a hospital. The beeping, crying, talking, laundry carts and gurneys rumbling through the halls at all hours are the very colour of the smells. But let’s not talk about that.” Emelina had stood, pulled her blanket around her and walked to the edge of the porch. “What should we talk about? Or maybe just sit and be quiet. The fog that’s settling down on us does make me feel quite quiet.”


Dez moaned. Setting her tea on the side table, she tried to stand on her own, gave up and sat back again. “I guess I’ll have to use that darn walker to get me up……No, Em don’t hurt yourself. Just set the walker where I can reach it. The crutches are just fine but not for getting myself out of a chair. I don’t care what the physiotherapist said. When is the rain suppose to let up? I want to get out and walk that track with you.”

 

Emelina picked up their mugs. “Are you ready to go in? I’ve got the mugs. Just give me a minute to take them in and I’ll be back get the door for you.” She was gone before Dez could answer. “Em…..she’ll be back. I’ll just stand here and watch……Samuel! Where did you come from?”


“Well, Miss Dez. I just come up from the shed. No sense trying to do anything in the garden today. Most everything’s been put up anyway. Saw you and your sister out here, thought I’d come by and say hello.” Samuel, dressed in his ‘rain workin’ clothes’, said “Seein’ you and Miss Em out here, thought I’d introduce you to my friend here. Name’s Brewster. Black as night she is, ‘cept for that one white ear.” The door opened behind them. “I’ll hold the door, Dez…Dez?”


“Em, come here. I’m not quite ready to go in yet.” Dez sounded as excited as if she’d been given a new set of paints and a new canvas! “What’s got you all excited…….Oh, hello Samuel. I almost didn’t recognize you. What’s that you’ve got on your hat?” She came to stand beside Dez at the porch’s edge. “Elizabeth made me put it on. Said it would protect the leather. Leather that’s almost as old as me.” Emelina nodded and smiled. “She’s right you know. You don’t need to be keeping your hat that you love wet all the time.” He was almost blushing. “I put it on, but I told her it looked like a woman’s shower cap.” 


“You are such a lovely girl!" Dez stroked the dog's long wavy hair. “Why did he give you such a name? Brewster’s a man’s name. Not a beautiful girl like you. Isn’t she lovely, Em? Oh, I do need to sit down again. Come on, girl. Is it ok Samuel?”


“Sure thing, Miss Dez. Think you’ve got a friend, Miss.” Samuel smiled. “Are you going to introduce me to your new friend, Dez? Come up on the porch out of the wet, Samuel.”


“No, Miss, my Wellie’s are too full of mud. Brewster shouldn’t even be up there. She’s been walkin’ in more mud than me.” He just pulled his black slicker close and stood on the steps. “Em, do you think Cook’s got some meat scraps we could give her?” Before she could reply, Samuel said. “Nope. She’s not to be fed anything but the food I give her. Twice a day, morning and night. She can have dog biscuits now and then. I don’t want her gettin’ fat. Long as she gets enough exercise she should be all right. She gets lots of good runs while we’re out, follows me around all the time.” Brewster was still getting lots of attention from Dez. “How long have you had her, Samuel?”  Emelina was curious. She had never seen any pets on the Estate. The old stable and carriage house had been converted into the garage by the house, so it had been a long time since even horses had been part of the Estate. “Well” Samuel hesitated. “She kind of came to me a couple of weeks back. She’s sure not got a pedigree, but she’s travelled a long way. I’ll tell you her story.” Samuel gave Brewster a rare smile. Emelina interrupted. “Let’s all go around to the kitchen where it’s warm. You can take all your rain gear off and I’ll get an old towel to wipe off Brewsters feet.”


“Come on then, Brewster, girl.” The dog jumped up and returned to Samuel’s side. He looked up at his boss. “We’ll walk around back and be in there right quick. Elizabeth keeps an old towel in the mud room for Brewster. We’ll be all dried off before you know it.” He turned, snapped his fingers and headed to the back of the house. Brewster looked back at Dez, but when she heard the snap of fingers, she bounded after Samuel. Dez and her sister made their slow way around the porch to the side door into the kitchen. “I’m not feeling quite so stiff, Em. I wonder if Samuel will let me take Brewster with me when I - I mean, we walk the track?”


“I’ve always had this feeling,” Henry says, 

“that all dogs are really therapy dogs.”

~ Meg Donohue, Dog Crazy

Tuesday, October 26, 2021

After the Wind





After the wilding wind, 

moist, cool air held it’s breath, 

then breathed softly ~

the city felt its kindness.









“Quiet is here and all in me.”

~ Richard Matheson, Collected Stories, Vol.1


Monday, October 25, 2021

Wilding






Deep hum, thrum, thrum, hum
Sun 'til moon, sun ’til moon 

Icy rain swipes the gloom.







“Voiceless it cries,

Wingless flutters,

Toothless bites,

Mouthless mutters.”

~ J.R.R.Tolkein, 

The Hobbit, or There and Back Again

Sunday, October 24, 2021

Back and Forward






This gray, wet cold day

begs a look back to spring

~ Miss Bee reminds me to

spring forward to 

what is to bee.





“Study the past if you would define the future.”

~ Confucius

Saturday, October 23, 2021

Three Things


Three things I’ve learned today 

that I have known before. 

 

Three things embraced in every day 

that life revolves around.


Comfort comes with softness, with

warmth and a belly filled. 


Curiosity asks forever why? ~

sparks to brighten every day.


Contentment wraps my heart around

to keeps random fears at bay.


Three things embraced in

every day my life revolves around.


Three things I’ve learned today 

that I have known before. 


“May you live every day of your life.”

~ Jonathan Swift

Friday, October 22, 2021

October Sky





Jet trails fluffed with cold

soften the ice blue sky ~

fat geese fly into the far and away.

A barren tree points skyward.









“I like this day; I like that sky of steel; I like the sternness 

and stillness of the world under this frost.”

~ Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

Thursday, October 21, 2021

Summer Fade






Shy flowers in October

nestled along a fence

beneath heavy heads of 

fading giant sunflowers.






“And all at once, summer collapsed into fall.”

~ Oscar Wilde