She had forgotten how or when the balance had tipped and the demands of active addiction had started. How could something that had been fun with friends and with family destroy a life so completely and leave a body still walking and talking? Intrusive, warm, comforting cravings for drugs and alcohol had become incessant, demanding more - and there was never, ever enough.
Sitting, tightly rocking with a thin veil of politeness, in a doctor’s office, she desperately wanted to run away from the brightness and noise of the busy Monday morning. But she just had to get into Detox. Taking precious time from her constant, frantic search for the next score was almost more than she could manage. Many days, despite incredible tiredness and hunger for solid food, she had not been able to take time to save herself. She had become desperately afraid for her life.
Later, huddled on a hard cot, covers pulled over her head, she shivered uncontrollably. Each tiny muscle in her body vibrated with need for the bottle or needle that would deliver relief. She was drenched in foul smelling perspiration that oozed from every pore. And so cold! Even her bones ached. Her legs kicked and jerked, sleep so fragile that constant movement kept her awake and ready to bolt.
Nausea and hunger mingled in a bile coated, shrunken stomach. Every noise magnified, jolting sounds worked in concert with jerking muscles. And why were all the lights so bright? Head completely covered, tiny rays of light lasered through minute cracks in the thick blanket, jabbing through pinched eyelids.
Every cell and nerve in her body screamed for the relief that she refused provide. It would be so, so easy. There were many only too willing to help her back into the chaos she was trying to escape. Her very life was at stake. The high and the fun had gone as surely as her job, her home and her family. Would any of them wait for her to come back? Many family and friends had already turned away - she knew they had been right.
She sobbed bitter, despairing tears - again. This was not the first time in Detox for her recovery to begin.
“If you are craving your wants, first ask your needs.”
~ Rodel Natividad Casio
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