Not In Vain
Once upon a time there was a young boy who wanted to be just like his grandpa. Sometimes he wanted to be very exactly the same. Then he would just shrug his little shoulders, put his hands in his pockets, just like his grandpa, and say ‘Hmmm’. Now this young boy was only five years old. His grandpa called him ‘young man’. He really liked that. It made him feel grown up.
His grandpa was kind. His grandpa was smart. His grandpa had a great big laugh that made eveyone feel warm and tingly. His grandpa took care of his animals like they were family. They couldn’t live in the house because grandma wouldn’t let them. And it was a whole herd of sheep that roamed the hills behind grandma and grandpa’s house. One day, when he was in the pasture waiting for his grandpa, he tried to name them all, but after only three names he couldn’t tell them apart! But grandpa seemed to know them all. He could tell by their shapes and sizes. Even tiny differences in their wooly coats or shapes of their ears. So he stopped thinking about it.
Grandpa was smart too. He read lots of books and sometimes read them to his 'Young Man'. One of them was written by a man with a funny name called Shakespeare. He didn’t understand all of the stories. This made his head hurt so he stopped thinkng about it.
There was only one time when he didn’t want to be like his grandpa. He loved hearing his grandpa’s laugh. Sometimes his laugh would change. It sounded the same but it didn’t feel warm. It was very cold and it was not tingly. It scraped like it was scraping against his heart. And there was a funny smell whenever the ‘bad day’s’ laugh would be there. One of his grandpa’s friends that he didn’t like might be visiting. And grandma was usually crying and sometimes yelling. And grandma didn’t do that. She was kind too. And smart. She and grandpa would talk about that Shakespeare guy. If the young boy came over when one of these bad days were happening, he felt really bad. He would check to make sure the animals had been fed. Sometimes he got grandma a cookie and a glass of water and try not to let grandpa see him. If he did, he'd holler out ‘There’s my Young Man! C’mere, Young Man. Say hello to my friend here. Tell him all about trying to name all the sheep in the whole g.d. flock!" The young boy felt stupid and ashamed.
He knew the next time he saw his grandpa all the bottles would be gone. Grandma and grandpa would be quiet and not talking to each other and the house would feel cloudy. His grandpa would apologize and tell him he’ll never treat him that way again. The 'bad day’s' grandpa was the only time that the young man didn’t want to be like his grandpa. One day, after one of the bad days, the young boy told his grandpa that he wouldn’t be coming back to visit them. Ever again. Because he didn’t like the bad days. He didn’t like to see his kind, smart, laughing grandpa turn into a bad man. That made his grandpa and his grandma cry. But he didn’t know what else to do. He had tried to figure it out. But it made his head hurt so he had to stop thinking about it. So he said good by to his grandma and his grandpa and walked away with tears rolling down his cheeks.
The young boy grew up and became a young man with dreams and hopes. Although his beloved grandpa died after too many ‘bad days’, the young man decided he wanted to know why. Why did his grandpa change so dramatically when he drank alcohol. Not everyone in his family changed or drank too much. In high school he had been taught how to look for answers. He found he had an affinity for research and was full of questions that begged for answers. He had an insatiable desire to chase down those answers. Despite dead ends and trails that led off in unexpected directions, the young man kept up his search. Many people told him it was useless, that there was no point chasing down something that was just a bunch of bad choices. But the Young Man knew that his grandpa only chose to pick up one drink. He knew his grandpa did not to turn into an unpleasant man - a monster in a child’s eyes.
There were many times his head hurt from thinking about it all, but hope for new answers pushed him forward. His grandpa would not die in vain and unloved. The Young Man began his search from the intuition of a child and the sadness of watching his kind, smart and laughing grandfather.
“What we find changes who we become.”
~ Peter Morville
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