Dreams and Secrets

Dreams and Secrets

Bill sat back in his big armchair and closed tired eyes scrunched under bushy brows and a furrowed forehead. His back ached, his whole body hurt somewhere - everywhere. He was worried. Not worried about pain as much as he was worried about a part of his past that threatened his life today.

No one knew. Not even his wife of 45 years. He had carried a secret from another time, another place when he had a really big problem with heroin. The big ‘H’ is what they called it. He  hadn’t thought it was that bad, but he knew then that he had to stop before it did get bad. And he had promised himself that he’d never use needles so he did stop when he was tempted. He had been 25 years old and had dreams to chase. After putting the heroin, and most of the alcohol, down he never looked back. The years had been good to him - and dammit - he had been good to the years he had lived.

At 25, the word addiction was being used all too frequently around him in the small mountain town where he lived. To his knowledge there had been no drugs addicts in his family. Drinking was limited to occasional after dinner wine and for gatherings on weekends. He became the black sheep and was slowly being edged out. Edged out of the town and out of the family.

Now here he was, 75 years old. Not rich, but comfortable. A good wife, wonderful kids and even more wonderful grandkids. But he was too tired to be the family man that he had been. He missed that. A lot.  There was always a wedding or graduation or something to celebrate. If he took enough pills he could manage and with a drink or two he might even enjoy it. But it was the pills..the pills...

He dozed off and dreamt of that time long ago when he had started chasing his dreams. The excitement and maybe even a bit of glamour now and then. Then the dream shifted ~ he was old, twisted and wracked with pain while he shuffled frantically through piles of papers for prescriptions and pills......prescriptions and pills.....

“William! You’re dreaming. Whatever is the matter? You were mumbling something about pills and prescriptions.”

“Sarah?..... Oh, nothing, just a bit of heartburn after that great meal we had with Joe and Beatrice. You know how heartburn gives me bad dreams ~ I was dreaming of those wonderful new anti acid pills and trying to find the prescription the doctor gave me. Here, help me up and I'll go find them.”

Bill pasted a smile on his face, kissed his still lovely wife on the forehead and smoothed her gray curls. “You’re still my girl, you know.”

“I know, sweetie, let’s shut out the lights and go to bed. You look so tired and sore tonight.”

“Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets.”

~  Paul Tournier