I have been stagnating. That sounds dreadful. I envision a still pond, hidden and protected by reeds, bush and trees. A green scum humming with mosquitoes and other buzzing insects. An occasional blurp as a frog or very tough fish ripples the waters. Nevertheless, I have been stagnating. My little ‘inside my head’ gremlin has told me that I deserve to stagnate. After all there have been many things this past several months that have drained my personal swamp but left these nasty pools of water behind. So sad.
But I am tired of the sadness, the frustrating feeling that I am powerless. It is boring, among other wavering beliefs that I’ll not go into here. Sitting and thinking about it all gives me a headache and a heartache. Both feelings have good reasons, but after a time they are no longer of value. In fact they become their own sadness and frustration. So what’s a girl to do?
This morning I journaled. I journal most mornings, but today I had a clear purpose. Clear enough to ask myself two questions: what is keeping me down? What is preventing me from completing my projects? Yes - projects. I do have several, but the most important one is a writing project that I have been working and worrying on for quite some time. No, I'll not tell you how long. That is for another time.
raptitude.com is a blog site written by Daniel Cain. It was introduced to me by Mary Hynes on Tapestry (CBC Radio) and again this morning by my sister, Kate. ‘Go Deeper, Not Wider’ was the title and the clear message of Daniel Cain’s blog posted December 18, 2017. Please, do go to his site to read this very insightful post and so many more.
For me this has been profound. Most of my life I have been very good at skating on the surface of many things. Creating an image, with questionable depth. Going deeper has been avoided, meaning feelings of futility and ultimately many stalled projects. I’m certain there are psychological reasons for all of this, however this is not one of the ‘going deeper’ issues I wish to tackle. My personal reason is that I have not known how or what to do, who to talk to, and more importantly what questions to ask. My inner critic, waiting impatiently in the wings, tells me I will look and sound foolish. Of course now that I am in my seventh decade, it will prove that I am an incompetent old woman. Sound harsh? It definitely is and so to my journal so I could hear and see my critical, and often cruel, self talk.
There is a great simplicity to be found today for me. Simply listen to my own words. Ask myself some questions: How much truth is in my self-talk? Can I do anything about it? Am I willing to do the work to go deeper?
My blog post title is standingstillslowly@blogspot.ca. Today I spent time standing still and slowly I listened to myself. I found the gap for my project I knew in my heart, but not my head, that was missing. Creative and pragmatic waters were stirred, opened up and freshened. I had to sort it all through so I am encouraged and able to Go Deeper, Not Wider. Thanks Daniel Cain!
“Ever-branching possibilities make it harder for us to explore
any given one deeply, because there’s always more “newness” to turn to
when the old new thing has reached a difficult or boring part.”
~ Daniel Cain, Go Deeper, Not Wider
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