Depression and Epilepsy ~ Two Poems

Depression and epilepsy 

    separate or together.
Researchers peer about for a link.

Post-ictal: a phase to follow a seizure ~ an altered state of consciousness lasting a few minutes or much longer ~ for me, up to a day and into the next.

Besides confusion:

Incredibly sad and wildly erratic emotions

Exhibited outwardly?

Definitely occurring inwardly.

~~~~~

The following poem was written many years from my last seizure.

Consistent with my feelings following seizures, I wonder ~  

Do I share such feelings with others?

~~~~~

Reality Check

I have crept up to the edge.

Many years of comfortable struggle,

world looking ordered and right,

listening to words

harmonious, pleasing to the ear.

Looking past facades ~

Willing individuals racing from homes

Entering society’s churning, frightening systems.

Hearing past the Musak

Words and actions out of sync

Awareness of this reality frightens me

Constrictions

Regulations

Responsibilities!!

Rose–coloured glasses slip and fall off.

Images ~ blurry, yet very real,

I feel

paralyzed 

afraid to move

right or left

forward or back

Still afraid of other’s reactions to and around me.

I want to express myself differently than the ‘system’ allows.

How do I feel safe?

How can I believe in my own life?

How can I believe in the lives of others?

I stand still slowly, 

    looking in all directions,

        try to move slowly.

Cautiously estimate my next action.

My patience with the slowness of ‘the process’ 

    wearing thin.

Seeing that I am here

all else 

    out there, 

        over there

untouched by me until

I feel courageous enough to 

touch

decide

act

move forward

No longer at the base of a chaotic storm full of destruction

Now in the Eye where all is calm

movement independent from the chaos of others.

Time to think before acting

Movement in sync with a Higher System.

Susan Ward

Nov.2006

"The soul would have no rainbow 

had the eyes no tears." 

 ~ John Vance Cheney

Author's note: August 30, 2012

Never diagnosed with depression, but working in psychiatry, I have heard about, read about and witnessed the symptoms of depression. Not just sadness, and not only sadness. Listlessness, lack of interest, apathy. Those are the ones that I can relate to in my life. Until I feel angered about something and then my energy come roaring back and I can get on with my life. Another is suicidal ideation: there has been suicide in my family. I have committed to not going there so many times if I feel that black hole looming. I speak it out loud. ‘I’m not going there!” The depression may not completely subside, but suicidal ideation has been swept off the table.

Author's note: Edited and revised August 13, 2024